Found Art

What I am about to share is one of the most wonderful things I have ever had the pleasure of stumbling upon in a dining hall. I found this piece of art abandoned on a table my freshman year. It was drawn on the back of one of the many flyers you might find on a college campus. I photographed it with my late-2006 model camera phone and then left it for someone else to find and delight in. I considered composing an in-depth analysis of what makes this so magical, but I think I'll let the work speak for itself.

I apologize for the poor quality. The speech bubble reads, "My ambrosia salad does not have enough cherries."

That is all. 

New Job and Some Spam

Great news, dear readers! I am now gainfully employed. I was recently hired as an admissions counselor for a local college, and I could not be happier about it. Besides the prospect of regular paychecks, I'm super psyched to be working in academia. It's pretty much the best. I'm sure this new position will eventually yield great blog posts, but for now, I will just say that my coworkers are great, and I think this is going to work out well.

But just so that you don't leave empty-handed, here's some pretty good spam, left as a comment on this very blog.

The comment was posted by a "person" named WELCOME TO TEMPLE OF SOLUTION," and here's what "she" had to say:

Hello! my name is Miss fred philiph, I’m from uk. I want to share my testimony with all of you. priest omigodo gave me the possibility to start my new and happy life with jane. The commitment and Marriage spells worked beyond my imagination. 6th of June will be always in my memory as the start of our new life. We had the most beautiful wedding and I was in the seventh heaven from happiness. I am sure that this feeling will be with us during our whole life and it will never leave us. We’ll remain grateful forever. Please my friends if you need the help of this man just contact him on his email: templeofsolution@gmail.com or call priest omigodo on his phone number +2348079367204

So... I think what she's saying ("she" being "Miss Fred Philiph") is that a "priest" named "Omigodo" used some sort of magic (i.e. "commitment and Marriage spells") to help her secure a same-sex union with "Jane." Since I'm pretty sure same-sex marriage is legal in "uk," I can only assume that Jane was not consenting to this union and that Priest Omigodo used some sort of mind control to force Jane to marry Miss Fred Philiph. That's actually pretty impressive. I guess Temple of Solution really knows how to get things done. Thanks for the comment, Miss Fred!


ALSO! I did a Google search for Priest Omigodo and I found this gem on some random message board:

I work at a very big farm and have too many chickens and sheep to feed nad take care of by myself. I needed a helping hand so I contacted priest omigodo to see if he could cast a spell and get me an extra hand to help.priest omigodo make spell for sure but it no work out so good like I expect. priest omigodo make extra hand all right, but now I have three arms and hands and it is very hard to buy clothes.Thanks but no thanks priest omigodo

Thanks but no thanks!

12 Days of Christmas: Day Eleven: Almost There

We've almost finished the Twelve Days of Christmas, chums. Today I saw something really funny while I was out shopping, so I'm just posting a picture of that thing.

You're welcome.

12 Days of Christmas: Day Seven: Happy New Year!

Who says you can't make a snow angel in Florida?

Happy 2013, everyone!

Spam! Courtesy of Cailey

It's been awhile since I've had a good spam email, but thankfully, my friend Cailey is on the case and sent me this beauty today. Most of the email is pretty boring and appears to be related to insurance, but the first bit is pure gold and almost makes me want to reply.

From: Prophet Ogidiga
Subject: CONTACT ME NOW 

DO YOU NEED A POWERFUL SPELL CASTER? CONTACT ME NOW PROPHET OGIDIGA ON MY EMAIL: [email address omitted]

First off, if someone named "Prophet Ogidiga emails you with a subject line like "CONTACT ME NOW," doesn't that kind of make you want to know what they have to say? This person is a prophet! They might hold your life in the balance! And then you open the email, and yes, I do need a powerful spell caster.

The next bit of the email is not in English. At first I thought it was Latin and, therefore, the beginnings of a powerful spell. You know, to show what Prophet Ogidiga can do. But alas, it was just Spanish with an English translation below. And, as I said, it was about insurance coverage, but I have to wonder if they mean real insurance or the kind of insurance that you can only get when you've enlisted the services of a powerful spell caster. The double indemnity clause in that contract must be amazing. 

#1 Google Images result for "powerful spell caster"

Thanks, Cailey, for your excellent contribution. And, dear readers, if you would like to review some of my awesome past emails, check out the links below:

• A spam-related post!
• Email from my gym
• Best Email of the Day
• write you back 9
• "Have we considered the possibility that doctors don't know how to use umbrellas?"  

IKEA 2: Return to Sanity

A long time ago, I wrote about my nightmarish inaugural trip to IKEA. It was a dark time for me, and it almost turned me off from the Swedish retailer forever. But more than a year has passed, and things've changed. I've changed. Maybe IKEA's changed a little too. And I feel I must return to this topic so that we can all have a little closure.

As I may have mentioned,* I spent a good part of the past year in Europe: Home of IKEA. Living in a residence hall, it wasn't long before some of my fellow residents proposed a trip to our local home store for some inexpensive dorm accoutrements. I was, in a word, hesitant. My last visit to IKEA was not something that I cared to repeat, but in the spirit of fostering new friendships and overcoming obstacles, I agreed to go. It also helped that I was accompanied by a group of people who both knew and liked IKEA, as opposed to my parents, who were as clueless and uncomfortable as I.

Two things made my experience that day not only bearable to downright enjoyable.

Number one:
Crowds. Or lack thereof. The Tampa IKEA was swarming with people. I believe I referred to them as "the mindless hoard." Whether because this IKEA was more local, less new, or just less novel to the Scottish, it was not terribly crowded, so I was able to take my time and not feel quite as overwhelmed by the simple experience of walking around a store.

Number two:
MEATBALLS. There may have been other things that made that day good, but--- nope, meatballs. All the meatballs. I had heard IKEA had good meatballs, but ohmygod meatballs.** I don't know what makes these things so good. Yes I do. Gravy. Also lingonberry jam, which is just so so Swedish, but absolutely essential. My whole trip to that store was given purpose when I tasted those delicious balls of meat. I'm not kidding you when I say that I have since returned to IKEA just for the meatballs. Sometimes I get other stuff too, but usually not. I would brave all manners of hell just to have those waiting for me after checkout. My big mistake that first time was bypassing the food stand that sold them.

With lingonberry drink!

Oh, also, IKEA has one of the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned. By now a staple of dorm rooms everywhere, the POÄNG chair is so much greater than you would ever think it could be.

Ultimate comfort

Add the footrest, and this is my definition of luxury. The day I get a new one of these (I had to leave mine in Scotland) is the day I feel whole again.

So there you have it, dear readers. I have made a 180 with regards to the IKEA store. It really does have its merits.

Like all these straws! 

Or these many lamps! 

This weird fork? 

This part still makes me kind of nervous.

But for those of you who have still never gone or, like me, had a terrible first experience and haven't gone back, here are a few tips:

1. Go with someone who knows what they're doing.
2. Go in with a game plan. Check the website before you go so you know what you want. Browsing is possible in IKEA, but it's totally overwhelming if you're not acclimated to it. 
3. Eat some goddamned meatballs. If you don't love those things, you can GTFO. I kid, I kid. You don't have to love the meatballs just because I do. But at least try them. 

They might change your life. 

*Once or twice
**Have I typed the word "meatballs" enough yet?

A spam-related post!

Hey there, dear readers. My attempts at getting back into blogging seem to have stymied. But now I'm back, with an awesome bit of spam! This is gonna get super meta. Prepare yourselves!

Yesterday I was checking to see if there were any new comments here on the blog. And this is what I found:

First of all, it was posted by a "person" named "get pregnant after miscarriage." That right there is bizarre and a bit uncomfortable. But then you think, "I wonder what get pregnant after miscarriage wants to say on my blog. Probably something about mothers and the miracle of life. Hey, I might get some insight here!" Here's what gpam had to say:

Shoes are often one of the most overlooked components in a wardrobe. But shoes can be one of the best ways to add a little bit of zest to an outfit. While shoes started out as a practical foot covering, they have evolved into fashion statements. 

Wow. Good point, gpam!!  So often I overlook, not only shoes, but the fact that they are part of fashion. Usually I just wrap plastic grocery bags around my feet before I leave the house, but thanks to this insightful comment on my blog, I now know that shoes have evolved and I can actually wear them in order to accessorize an outfit.

Oh, and what blog post was this appended to? Actually somewhat appropriately, it was on another post about amusing electronic correspondence. Check it out. And then go leave a non sequitur comment somewhere.

No one could say the flight was boring

I'm back in the United States, dear readers, and it is very hot. Go figure. I returned via a 9-hour flight on Saturday, and boy, was it eventful!

My parents and I had great bulkhead seats that we paid extra for. We were on an exit row, so we had those seats next to the bathroom with all the open space right in front of us and the exit door just in front and to the right. The area in front of these seats is where people congregate to wait for the bathroom, but all the leg room makes up for that slight inconvenience. Or so we thought.

So about halfway through this flight, I am watching a movie in the center seat, while my father watches a movie in his aisle seat and my mother is asleep next to the window. I glance up and happen to notice a woman waiting for the bathroom who is leaning on the exit door, appearing to intently look out the window. I made note of this because I remember thinking, "Hmm, I wonder what the view's like," and then I went back to being fully engrossed in my movie. So engrossed, in fact, that I had noise-canceling headphones and couldn't hear anything else around me. Well, after awhile, this woman, still bending over toward the window, starts moving her feet around and getting in my personal space a bit. I glance disapprovingly at her, but try to ignore it. I also make eye-contact with another woman waiting for the bathroom, but at this point, I don't think anything is amiss, except that maybe this woman doesn't have great spatial awareness. But then, she steps on my mother's foot, which awakens her from her nap.

At first my mother looks confused and disoriented, wondering what woke her. Then she looks at this woman, says nothing, but begins pointing with a look of abject horror on her face. Up until this moment, dear reader, my lack of interest in this woman and the positioning of her body kept me from seeing what was happening, but now I see what my mom sees: that this woman has vomited ALL OVER the exit door. Now that's bad enough, certainly, but it gets worse, because moments after my mothers awakens and sees what has happened, this very sick woman faints into her lap. Now, for those of you who are concerned, let me say that none of the vomit got on any member of my family. But now my mother has an unconscious, sick woman sitting on her.

I rush to the back of the plane to get a flight attendant, who has already been informed of the situation but still takes an amazing amount of time to come save us. When the flight attendant does come and escort the woman to the back of the plane, my mother immediately bolts to the section in front of us. We don't see her for a long time after that.

The flight attendant promises my dad and me that someone is coming to clean it up presently, but I end up sitting next to vomit for waaaay longer than I would like. Eventually, he comes back and suggests we move while they deal with the situation, so my dad moves a few rows back to an empty seat near a young English couple, while I move into a seat next to a lovely grandmother from near Stratford-upon-Avon and her infant granddaughter. I will spare you the details of these people's lives, but I will say that I had a very nice time chatting with her, despite the circumstances that drove me to sit next to her.

Eventually, the area is cleaned and we are assured that it is safe to return to our seats. My mother has still not reappeared, so we assume she also found somewhere to sit. We later come to find out that she got to sit in business class. She would.

For the rest of the flight, the area around our seats continues to smell of vomit, but, I am ashamed to say, I grew accustomed to it. They offered to let us move permanently, but we were all settled in and that leg room was too good to give up. The sacrifices we make.

Oh, also, while we were waiting for our seats to be habitable again, my dad informed me that another woman about seven rows back had also started vomiting, but into a bag. Given that we have not had any turbulence, I began to fear that we were in an episode of House in which the entire plane falls ill, but as far as I know, only those two women were affected.

So there you have it, dear reader. Not something you ever expect to happen to you on a trans-Atlantic flight, but the truth is, when all is said and done, the idea of a woman puking on the exit door and then fainting on my mother is funny as hell.

Dissertations are Hard Work

Above: the understatement of the year. Last week I finished my 14,000-word Master's dissertation on Toni Morrison and Dante Alighieri (yes, you read that correctly) entitled "'Bound and gathered in a single book': Reading Toni Morrison's Beloved, Jazz, and Paradise as a 'Dantesque' Trilogy." Very impressive-sounding, I know. It combines the medieval concentration of my undergrad years with the modern/postmodern study of my Master's degree, and this is super nerdy so I'm gonna stop. If you really want to know more, leave a comment or email me or whatever.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm finally finished with it, and now I can focus on other things, like blogging. I have a lot of great blog post ideas lined up, which I'm totally going to follow up on. Just you wait! I will!

Here's a sneak peak of what's to come: The jnd, Fringe Festival, moving back to the US, and more! Hey, I might even get around to blogging about Dublin some more. (Remember that? Yeah, me neither.) I'm sorry I've slacked the past couple months, but I'm back, dear readers, and it's going to be great!

For now, I leave you with this important Public Service Announcement*:



*Mommy, Etsy is an online store that sells cute handmade crafts, like those earrings I bought, and Manic Pixie Dream Girls are explained in this Wikipedia article.

Disney can get so creepy...

There are a lot of creepy, or downright gruesome, deaths in the Disney pantheon of "children's" films. I had intended to create a list of some of my favorites, but Cracked already did that. So I just wanted to include a screenshot of something they forgot to mention under #3. Gaston, likely because they didn't know they were looking for it. I have been an avid fan of Beauty and the Beast for as long as I can remember,* but I never noticed what I am about to show you until a friend pointed it out. It took me a lot of fiddling with the pause and rewind buttons before I was able to capture this exact moment (and it really is only a moment, which is why you usually miss it). Just in case anyone thought Gaston may have survived his terrible fall off the castle, Disney's animators made sure to include this single frame:

Seriously, Disney? Be a little more morbid. I can't help but wonder how many of us saw this bit of subliminal messaging in our childhoods and incorporated it into our subconsciouses in strange and upsetting ways. Actually, no, I'd rather not wonder that. I'd rather just think about the funny singing candlestick.


*My grandmother used to tell a charming tale about going to see it with me in the movie theater when I was three, and because I had already seen it, I would cover her eyes during the scary parts. I was adorable.

Best Email of the Day

If you have never bought anything from Abe Books, I recommend it. It's a huge online seller of second-hand books, and it is a great resource if you are a literature student of any kind. Their books are of good quality and are often quite inexpensive. And they sent me a great email today.

End of Term Madness (and a funny picture)

I'm trying desperately not to do work right now. I have two 4000-essays due within the next two weeks. The first is due Thursday; the second is due the following Thursday, but I'm leaving Wednesday, which means it's due Tuesday. I was going to write a longer post about my fragile and weakening mental state right now, but I'm sure you all can imagine, and I really should get back to writing.

But first, to lift your spirits and mine, check out this flyer that was on display on a bulletin board in the basement of one of my academic buildings:

Rubber duckies who are into bondage. Classic. I wonder if they get university funding.

In anticipation of next year's presidential election...

... here is one of my favorite commercials of all time, if only for the donkey's last line.

Because I felt like you should have a sense of closure

Marcel the Shell is my favorite!

My friend Sabrina showed me this a few days ago. I was immediately smitten.

I don't know...

... It looks pretty lackadaisical to me.

I think Gaga would be proud

To celebrate the upcoming election season...

Here are some discussion questions about democracy, brought to you from America the Book by the staff of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Discussion Questions:

1. If you lived in a monarchy, would you rather be the king or a slave? Why or why not?

2. What is the central ideological difference between democracy and cannibalism?

3. You're a fifth-century Greek city-state growing increasingly concerned over repeated Persian incursions into the central Peloponnesian peninsula. How many hoplites can you dispatch to Thermopylae without jeopardizing the triremes commanded by Themistocles for the naval engagement at Artemisium? Show your work.

4. Does the expression "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" apply to all cities, or just Rome?

5. The notion that each individual has worth in society found political expression in the invention of democracy. What's bullshit about this?

My Early Artistic Aspirations

My mother was cleaning out her office recently and found a picture I had drawn as a child. I was likely 6 or 7. And I was possibly deranged.

Note the diagram to indicate teeth clicking. In all my childhood drawings, I wanted to make it very clear what I was trying to portray. Clearly, here, I am portraying an evil, gay, earless dog. Who is clicking his teeth. For some reason.

Fun things to buy on the Internet

I was stumbling around the Internet this evening, and I found the following Awesome Nerdy Things on Etsy.com. To give proper credit and in case you want these Awesome Nerdy Things for your very own, I will post links at the bottom of this post.

Translation: Haters gonna hate.

I can relate to this because, like Snow White, I am both trendy and pale as one who has never seen the Sun.

In case you don't know, this is a parody of a classic English poster.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/74909620/haters-gonna-hate-11x17-poster-print
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76675222/the-snow-white-nerd-decal-macbook-apple
http://www.etsy.com/listing/73579564/keep-calm-and-catch-em-all-print-12x18