12 Days of Christmas: Day Ten: Christmas Movie Round-Up

What is Christmastime without Christmas movies? Well, it's still Christmastime, but it's slightly less awesome. This Christmas, as per tradition, I watched my two favorite Christmas movies for the umpteenth time AND I watched a film that, you will be surprised to learn, I'd never seen before. So now I'm going to talk about those three movies a little bit.

1. The Muppet Christmas Carol

There are so many things to love about this movie. So rather than writing a wordy paragraph about them, here's a list I've compiled:

• Charles Dickens
• The Muppets
• Charles Dickens + The Muppets
• Michael Caine
• Singing
• "Fozziwig" 
• Using actual lines from A Christmas Carol
• Bean Bunny
• Crying during the "Tiny Tim is dead" scene
• Crying during all of the songs
• Sam Eagle telling young Ebeneezer that hard work is "the American way" and then changing it to "the British way" after Gonzo whispers in his ear
• The rat clerks
• Waldorf and Statler as Marley and Marley

And that's just to name a few. This movie is so funny, so heartwarming, and so (strangely) faithful to the original that I can't bear not to watch it during the holidays. It's easily my favorite adaptation of A Christmas Carol and one of the best films in the Muppets' catalog.


2. It's a Wonderful Life

I hope no one could argue that this isn't a classic Christmas movie. I don't even really feel the need to explain my reasoning for having it in my top 2. It's all about one man making a major difference in the lives of his friends and neighbors even if he doesn't see it himself, and that's really beautiful. If you've never seen It's a Wonderful Life, you really need to. Not only because it's a great movie but so that you can understand this SNL parody.




3. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Ok, confession time. Before this year, I had never seen The Nightmare Before Christmas. Shocking, I know. I tried watching it a couple of times as a child, but it really creeped me out, so I stopped. Over the years, I heard most of the music from the movie, and I knew what it was about. I even beat the Halloweentown level on Kingdom Hearts. But I just couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and watch the movie. But this Christmas I discovered it on Netflix and I decided it was time. And you know what? It was just as creepy as it was when I was a kid. But it was also pretty funny. I especially enjoyed the scene where Jack is trying to figure out the science behind Christmas. This chalkboard is great. Science!

And I felt that as a person who grew up in the 90s, it was my duty and obligation to have watched this perennial Hallow-mas/Christma-ween classic. The ending was a bit abrupt, but that's fine. It was still a pretty solid film, and I'm glad I saw it. 

And you know, this movie isn't all that different from It's a Wonderful Life: man is dissatisfied with life, wishes for different life, realizes life was actually pretty good. And also there's skeletons. Yeah, that sounds about right. Merry Movie-Watching, everyone!

Disney can get so creepy...

There are a lot of creepy, or downright gruesome, deaths in the Disney pantheon of "children's" films. I had intended to create a list of some of my favorites, but Cracked already did that. So I just wanted to include a screenshot of something they forgot to mention under #3. Gaston, likely because they didn't know they were looking for it. I have been an avid fan of Beauty and the Beast for as long as I can remember,* but I never noticed what I am about to show you until a friend pointed it out. It took me a lot of fiddling with the pause and rewind buttons before I was able to capture this exact moment (and it really is only a moment, which is why you usually miss it). Just in case anyone thought Gaston may have survived his terrible fall off the castle, Disney's animators made sure to include this single frame:

Seriously, Disney? Be a little more morbid. I can't help but wonder how many of us saw this bit of subliminal messaging in our childhoods and incorporated it into our subconsciouses in strange and upsetting ways. Actually, no, I'd rather not wonder that. I'd rather just think about the funny singing candlestick.


*My grandmother used to tell a charming tale about going to see it with me in the movie theater when I was three, and because I had already seen it, I would cover her eyes during the scary parts. I was adorable.

Great Cinema

The other day I popped into the Pound Saver to pick up a few odds and ends. For those of you not living in the UK, the Pound Saver is the equivalent of a Dollar Store. Only it uses pounds. So it's the $1.60 Store, depending on the exchange rate.

While I was there, I stumbled upon this gem of British filmmaking. I present to you... IRON HERO!

I know this picture is pretty difficult to read, so to help you out, the top says "The heart of 'Superman', The mind and body of 'Terminator'." The bottom reads "Part man... Part machine... All hero." 

Now, unless this obvious Iron Man rip-off literally has a human heart (which he might, I don't know), I would argue that to have the heart of Superman but the mind and body of Terminator just makes him Terminator from Terminator 2. If you haven't seen that film, spoiler alert, he's a good guy in it. 

I could go on about how lame this cover is (for example, I could mention that the line at the bottom is practically a quotation of the RoboCop tagline), but I'd like to move on to what I found out about the movie by doing a Google search. First, the IMDb page refers to the movie as Metal Man. I believe that's because it was released as Iron Hero in the UK in 2008 but as Metal Man in Germany in 2010.

Here's the plot summary as provided by "Anonymous" on IMDb:

Kyle Finn has the ultimate combat machine, a metal suit with super-human powers, and he uses it to defend the good and fight evil. That 'evil' comes in the form of Reed, his ninja henchmen and the Mecha Terror robot: has the Metal Man finally met his match?

This just keeps getting better. This raises several questions, like, is this a robot, with the mind and body of Terminator? Or, is this an Iron Man suit with a person inside? I'm pretty sure it has to be one or the other. Unless the suit transforms Kyle Finn into a robot with a human heart. Or maybe Kyle is a robot. Maybe the summary should read "Kyle Finn IS the ultimate combat machine... and he uses HIMSELF to defend the good and fight evil." Also, what kind of a super villain is named Reed? And why does he have both ninja henchman AND an evil robot? Oh, and the same questions I asked regarding Metal Man apply to Mecha Terror: robot, suit, etc.? 

Oh so many questions! Why, oh, why didn't I shell out the £1 to buy this movie?

Well, we're in luck, dear readers, because someone out there did. And then he recorded a series of four YouTube videos, adding up to about 37 minutes, in which he reviews the whole movie. If you really want to see how bad this movie is, I recommend at least watching the first of the four videos. He includes clips and an ongoing plot summary that is, frankly, pretty amazing. Just when you think Iron Hero cannot get any worse... it does. Incredible.

Ah, the things you find in the Scottish Dollar Store.