Kimber's Great Adventure

Recommendation: Charlie Bartlett

2012-02-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

I have been neglecting the blog of late. School has this annoying tendency to get in the way of more important things. That, and I've been watching a lot of Community. So I'm back after a short hiatus with a recommendation for the 2007 movie Charlie Bartlett. I realize this recommendation is not exactly timely, but as I just recently saw it for the first time, I think it stands to reason that some of my readership may have also missed out on this delightful film.

The story follows a young man name, aptly, Charlie Bartlett, who just wants to fit in at school. He achieves this goal by becoming the self-appointed school shrink. Charlie, played by the adorable Anton Yelchin (whom you may know as Chekov from the new Star Trek), is irresistibly lovable, unless you are the school bully (Tyler Hilton of One Tree Hill) or the principal (Robert Downey Jr.). Will Charlie win them over? Will he become popular at school? Or will he get arrested for being a drug dealer and rabble-rouser?

I'm not going to answer these questions, but I will say that this is a very enjoyable movie. It has some of the tropes of your average high school comedy but manages to turn the genre on its side with a clever and unique plot hook. Plus, as I've said, it's impossible not to love Yelchin as Charlie and want to be his friend. Check out this trailer and tell me you don't want to pinch his little cheeks!

Today I learned an expensive lesson

2012-02-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

After Christmas I decided I wanted to take my Wii back to Scotland with me. We can argue about the relative merits of this decision (i.e. the effect it will have on my schoolwork vs. all the weight I'm going to lose playing Just Dance 3), but suffice to say, the die was cast, and that thing was crossing the ocean. There was just one problem: my bag was way overweight and I had to take the Wii out. In retrospect, I should have paid the heavy bag fee or even just paid to check a second bag, but at the time, it was getting down to the wire and I was stressed, so when my dad suggested I give him whatever wouldn't fit and have him mail it to me, I took him up on the offer.

I immediately regretted the decision, not because I just couldn't wait for my Wii but because I knew how pricey international shipping can be, and I felt bad about asking my parents to pay it. But my dad assured me it was ok, and I put it from my mind. My mother figured out how to send it after I was gone, and I eagerly awaited the package's arrival.

Three weeks later, I still have not received the Wii, and I've started to get a little nervous. Last night I asked my mother if she could track the package, and she said she would get back to me. Well, today the mystery was solved.

When I went downstairs to check my mail, I was greeted by a letter from Parcelforce, which we will equate to the UK's UPS. It informed me that my package was being held by Customs until such time as I paid them EIGHTY POUNDS in import taxes. EIGHTY POUNDS! There are not CAPS big enough to express my surprise and outrage. They're running quite a racket over at the UK Border Agency. I'm seriously flabbergasted by this. Had I but known, I certainly would have paid that heavy bag fee.

But they don't warn you about these things, dear reader, so I'm warning you now. NEVER mail a Wii across the Atlantic (or really anything valuable). You're better off buying it its own seat on the plane. Ok, now I'm being hyperbolic, but let this be a lesson to you. The amount of money my parents and I have paid to send this thing could have almost bought me a new Wii. Please, don't make the same mistake I did.

I'm pretty upset, but after I post this, I'm going to let it go and regain my serenity. And tomorrow, when my package finally does arrive, I'm going to devote myself to playing £80 worth of Zelda. So don't expect to see me for about a month.

Some music videos

2012-02-07T11:48:00.002-05:00

I am totally digging on these music videos. The first is straight-up incredible, the second is a beautiful cover of an awesome song, and the last just makes me happy. So watch them, share them, and then write to NBC and tell them not to cancel Community. (I couldn't help throwing that in. That show is just too good.)

BONUS VIDEO:
I realize I have already shared all these videos on Facebook, so here's a bonus video for those of you who bothered to check out the post. Cheers!

The Joy of Eating Out

2012-02-03T05:56:00.000-05:00

I tend to be a rather frugal individual, but the thing that I fear will one day break the bank is that I eat out. A lot. I love food. I won't apologize for it. I think my future financial goals are mostly to have enough money to eat and drink well whenever I wish. (And to be able to buy $5 DVDs from Blockbuster.) Since I've been in Edinburgh, I've taken to eating out for every lunch because lunches are not included in my dorm meal plan. However, breakfast and dinner are included, so I take most of the those meals in the cafeteria. And it is these meals that have made me truly appreciate eating out.

Eating in the JMCC (which is the name of the building in which our "restaurant" resides) is an exercise in mental, gastrointestinal and gustatory fortitude. What I'm saying is, eating there on a regular basis is like punishment. You have to fight massive crowds of people in horribly disorganized queues just to get a plate of barely palatable food.

Okay, I'm being a bit unfair. Some of it is actually quite tasty, but those dishes are so few and far between that they're hardly worth mentioning. I know I should expect bad food; it's a cafeteria, after all. But that knowledge doesn't make eating there day in and day out any less depressing. I can't get excited about going there. It's just something that must be done, gotten out of the way so that I don't starve to death every evening. And for someone who truly loves food, this is quite a sad thing to have to accept.

I could go into further detail about the JMCC, but as I said, this phenomenon of living on a meal plan has made me come to truly relish the times when I get to have dinner somewhere else. At least once a week, I try to dine at an actual restaurant. Sometimes several members of my hall all go out together. We call those occasions Family Dinners. It's very cute. Wednesday night was such an occasion. Not to buzz market or anything, but we got an amazing Groupon deal for a restaurant on the Royal Mile we had never tried called Gordon's Trattoria. It's a family-owned Italian restaurant entering its thirtieth year in business, and it was delightful. Everything was so good that even after a starter and an entree each, we all had to get dessert. How can you say no to tiramisu? How?! You can't. So we didn't.

The question remains whether GT's was really so great or if our senses of taste have been dulled after months of eating in the JMCC. But regardless, we will be returning to that establishment, and I will continue to savor those moments when I can truly enjoy the things I eat.

Phoning in the UK

2012-01-29T08:38:00.000-05:00

This is a long one, dear readers. I have a lot of missed posts to make up for. So let's go...

A few months ago, I was toying with the idea of writing a post about obtaining a phone in the UK. But at the time, my story was boring. No longer, dear reader. A couple of weeks ago, I experienced some phone drama, which I will share with you now.

To begin, when I first came to Scotland I was sporting a beautiful 7-month-old iPhone 4. From Verizon. If you haven't spotted the problem yet, let me enlighten you. The Verizon iPhone 4, unlike the AT&T iPhone 4 is not a world phone. You can't get a plan for it with an overseas carrier; you can't even use Verizon global roaming. It just doesn't work. Something to do with a CDMA vs. a GSM something or other. So here I was, left with a big, beautiful, high-resolution... iPod. And digital camera. So for £20 I bought this little beauty from Vodafone. Note that although it looks like a Blackberry, it is decidedly not a Blackberry.

I also got a £10/month pay-as-you-go program that afforded me 300 texts/month (along with some other stuff, but that is irrelevant). Not a bad deal, really, for what it is. But this phone can make calls and send texts, and that's about it. And that's all you really need, right? Sure, if you aren't hopelessly addicted to smartphoning. The amount of time I spend on Wikipedia and IMDb per day is, quite frankly, obscene. In fact, I've made a New Year's Resolution: whenever I can't remember something, I wait 30 seconds before looking it up and try to remember it using my brain first. It's been a good exercise.

Anyway, back to the story. So for three months, I'm roughing it with my adorable not-a-Blackberry. Then Christmas rolls around, and word on the street is that my mom is getting a new iPhone when she switches from AT&T to Verizon to be on our family plan. So I mention in passing to my parents that the iPhone 4S on Verizon is a world phone, and if I had one, I would be able to use it in Scotland. So on Christmas morning, I am delighted to receive a promise that when my mom gets her new iPhone 4S, she will give it to me and she will get my (still very new) iPhone 4. Hot dog! Aren't my parents great?

Well, I got my new phone and spent a delightful couple of weeks playing with it in the US. Now fast-forward to my return to Scotland. I've still got my Vodafone phone for the nonce, but I want so badly to be able to use my iPhone as a phone and not as a glorified iPod.

My plan was simple: walk the 1.5 miles from my house to Vodafone, have them unlock it, get a new SIM card, spend the rest of my days in mobile Internet bliss. Seems simple enough, right? Wrong! I get to Vodafone and they tell me they can only unlock Vodafone iPhones. Ok, fair enough. Where can I go to get this one unlocked? Oh, simple. There's a shop just down the road that will do it. Ok great! (You guys following the stream of consciousness all right?)

So I skip down the road to the Phone Box and ask if they can unlock my phone. Turns out, only Verizon can unlock the Verizon iPhone 4S. Sneaky bastards. Not really sure how to get Verizon to do this, I ask my father back in the States to find out for me. (I would do it myself, but calling the States is difficult in my present condition.) Anyway, the next day he gets back to me with an international number to call, and Verizon is very pleasant and agreeable and unlocks my phone. Hooray! End of story? Not hardly.

The next morning, sitting at breakfast, I mention to my friends that I am headed back to Vodafone after class to get a SIM card. My friend Ian suggests that I might find a better deal for one online, but out of general impatience to start smartphoning, I shrug off his suggestion. However, later that day, he texts me that he has done some research to get "us" some money back if I order online. Intrigued, I agree to meet with him.

Turns out, there is a website, of which he is a member, that will give him money for referring me and will give me money just for going through them to buy my SIM card. It also turns out that Three has a much better deal than Vodafone for pay-as-you-go texting and data. For £15/month on Three, I get 300 minutes, 3000 texts, and UNLIMITED DATA. If the all-caps didn't give it away, that last is huge. I use data like a fiend. So to have as much as I want for only £15/month is outrageous.

Well, skipping ahead a bit, the online scheme didn't work. Three wouldn't mail the new SIM to my dorm for some reason, so I'm back to tramping the 1.5 miles to the shop on Princes Street. But that's ok because I'm so so close to getting my SIM. Thus, in the waning daylight of that January day, I make my way to the little shop across the street from the National Gallery. I stride in, joyous, full of life, ask for my SIM, and am told that they are sold out and maybe I should come back Friday but no guarantees.

I am disappointed, but not yet out of hope. Upon hearing that Phones4U, a third-party retailer, may be able to help, I walk to the other end of Princes Street, where I learn that they do not carry micro SIMs. I then go back in the direction I came from, trying to find more phone retailers. I find another Phones4U and a Currys Digital (recommended by the Phones4U store), both of which deny me.

Now, by this time, it is dark and starting to rain and I have walked over 2 miles (from the time I left home), back and forth along this one street. To be quite honest, dear reader, I was losing hope.

But then, out of the darkness, arose my salvation in the form of... the Carphone Warehouse. That's right. I found the thing I needed, the thing that four other stores did not have, at a place that has not changed its name since "carphones" were a thing. Thanks, Carphone Warehouse!

And that was that. These days, I'm living large with my awesome new micro-SIM, looking up actors' filmographies whene'er I wish.

Except sometimes in my bedroom because reception sucks in the dorms.

Best Email of the Day

2012-01-20T05:58:00.000-05:00

If you have never bought anything from Abe Books, I recommend it. It's a huge online seller of second-hand books, and it is a great resource if you are a literature student of any kind. Their books are of good quality and are often quite inexpensive. And they sent me a great email today.

You know how if you've ever bought a single thing from Amazon you get daily emails recommending things you should buy? You don't? Oh lucky you. Well I do. And usually these emails recommend things like "Best-selling Fiction" or "Best Deals for Students." This morning I received such an email from Abe Books. And here's what is said:

"Everyone should have an ornithology book... From tiny hummingbirds to great ostriches, buy a bird book today."

They pretty much said it all.

Recommendation: Tell Them I Died Robbing

2012-01-16T07:10:00.000-05:00

Tell Them I Died Robbing is an awesome new band out of Lakeland, FL, comprised of members Joe Cruz and Kimber Wiggs. Ok, I realize it's not really fair to recommend myself, but hey, isn't that what this whole blog thing is really about? Joe and I wrote this song over Christmas break, and we think it's pretty good, so we'd like for you to listen to it. We hope you think it's good too. All the production and music is the work of Mr. Cruz. He is amazing. A few days ago, this was pretty bare-bones, and he's transformed it into something pretty epic. Give it a listen. Tell us what you think (as long as what you think is positive).

Happy Last Year on Earth!

2012-01-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

Well, friends, it's 2012. I feel like this first post of the year should be somehow epic. After all, this could be our last year of existence, if you believe those wacky Mayans. I've had an amazing holiday break at home, which included a trip up to Maryland for New Year's. Not only did I go up to Maryland, but while there, I participated in a 1920s-themed murder mystery. 'Twas delightful! I played a character known as "The Baroness." That is a real mink that belonged to my great-grandmother. Baller!

There was a minor snag in our festivities when we discovered that we didn't bring a proper corkscrew, but we made do.

On New Year's Day, we all partook in a Saratoga Springs New Year's tradition called the Peppermint Pig (TM). You have this little pig made of peppermint and you go around the circle and each person says something that were grateful for in the past year. Then you hit it with a hammer! You can read about this tradition in detail by clicking on the picture below. It was both touching and slightly dangerous, so it was a perfect tradition.

My sojourn up north also included a brief visit to DC, during which I got to visit the wonderful cupcake store Baked and Wired in Georgetown. Because it was early in the day, I decided to go for the "breakfast cupcake" as I called it: a pancake batter cupcake with maple frosting and, get this, candied bacon! It was really tasty, but way too rich.

That's about all I have to report for now, dear readers, but before I go I want to tell you about my two other side projects, both of which have tabs up at the top of this blog. The first is my creative writing blog, aptly titled Pretentious Writing Blog. Feel free to leave comments on my poetry. I hope you like it, but you're not required to. The other new blog I started is brand new for this year. It's called A Year in Lunch. It is my 366-day photo challenge, for which I will be photographing my lunch every day of 2012. Both of these blogs are longing for followers, so check them out and if you like them (or me), follow them. Thanks! Happy New Year!

Merry After-Christmas!

2011-12-28T18:40:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, I've been on a bit of a holiday hiatus, but I'm back now, and I have another delicious recipe to share. This Boxing Day, my mother invited my father's extended family over for a Leftovers Party. It was a brilliant idea because we got to eat all new things without actually having to make new dishes AND now I don't have to eat the same leftovers for the next week. Because they're gone. Seriously. Boxing Day Leftovers Party. Try it.

My father's family are very talented in the kitchen, so there were lots of wonderful of things to eat that day, but for me, it was all overshadowed by the dessert my cousin Shawna brought: Cookie Dough Dip with apples. This stuff is incredibly good. There's no actual cookie dough in it, so there's no concern about contracting salmonella, but it's so tasty you wouldn't know the difference. She was kind of enough to leave us her recipe, and now I share it with you, dear reader. That's my Christmas gift to you.

Cookie Dough Dip

Ingredients:

1 8oz package of cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup toffee bits

Instructions:

Cream together cream cheese and butter.
Add all remaining ingredients and mix until well combined.
Serve with chocolate graham crackers or apple wedges.

It's that simple! Shawna recommends eating it with graham crackers or apple wedges. I recommend eating it with a spoon!

Christmas in Florida. Jealous?

2011-12-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been a while since I last updated. I'm back in Florida, folks, and it is glorious. You can tell it's almost Christmas because of the penguin wearing a Santa hat!

And I don't want to hear anyone complain that "it doesn't feel like Christmas" when it's 80° outside (~26° C). You want it to feel like Christmas? Drink some eggnog. I will take warmth tempered by a cool breeze over battling wind storms in Edinburgh any day.

Speaking of eggnog, I made some this weekend. It was a smash hit at the party I attended. Below you will find my recipe so you can try it for yourself. That way, you can enjoy a delicious Christmas beverage no how many miles per hour the wind is blowing.

Kimber's Eggnog Recipe

Ingredients:

12 egg yolks
4 cups of milk
4 cups of light whipping cream
1 1/2 cups of sugar
2 1/2 tsp vanilla extract (separated)
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
Alcohol (optional)

Instructions:

In a saucepan, mix milk, 1/2 tsp of vanilla, cloves, and cinnamon and using the lowest heat setting, slowly bring to a boil, stirring occasionally to keep the milk from burning or developing a film.
In a large bowl, mix egg yolks and sugar and beat until fluffy.
Slowly, SLOWLY, whisk hot milk mixture into egg mixture. This part is key, because if you had the hot milk too fast, the eggs will cook and you will end up with eggnog that has the texture of scrambled eggs. The way that works best for me is to take and ladle-full of milk, dribble it in the eggs while whisking, and repeat until they are completely combined. It takes a bit of patience, but it makes all the difference.
Pour milk and egg mixture back into the saucepan and cook for 3 minutes on medium heat, whisking constantly.
Ok, here the recipe from which I have adapted mine says to let the mixture cool for an hour. I didn't do that, and my eggnog turned out fine. I imagine if you did let it cool, it would thicken a bit more. You can try it if you want, but if you're pressed for time, this step can be skipped.
Add cream, 2 tsp of vanilla, and nutmeg.
Refrigerate overnight.
Add alcohol if you want. I use spiced rum.
Serve.
Enjoy.

It's Christmas in Edinburgh University Housing!

2011-12-13T06:46:00.002-05:00

Well, kids, the papers are done, the laundry is being washed, and the packing is about to begin. That can only mean one thing: it's almost Christmas! I head home tomorrow, and I cannot wait, but I can't neglect to tell you about some of the Christmas festivities that are going on here in Edinburgh. The first I want to mention is our dorm Christmas party. A couple of weeks ago, our house warden organized a lovely little get-together to decorate the house common room. It came complete with mulled wine, mince pies,

and a British Christmas tradition that, until now, I only knew from Harry Potter: Christmas crackers!

For those of you who have never encountered Christmas crackers, here's the deal: two people each hold one end of this paper device and pull. As it comes apart, it makes a loud "cracking" sound, and goodies fly out! Huzzah! According to my RA, you usually get some kind of toy and a hat. Here's what I got:

You can see that I am wearing a very stylish paper crown. I also got a toy dinosaur and a piece of paper with a joke on it.

DE-lightful. By the way, did you know that in pre-historic times, there were forests of giant pies?

Michael Crichton isn't going to tell you that kind of stuff.

Well, that's all for this post. But fear not! I have plenty more Edinburgh Christmas festivities to tell you about when I return to the States. So stay tuned!

Let's mock Twilight!

2011-12-07T10:21:00.000-05:00

Because I don't have time to write actual content today, here are a couple examples of other people on the Internet mocking that most awful of franchises, Twilight. Enjoy!

This is a bit long, but totally worth reading. It helps if you watch the video first so that you can use the appropriate K Stew voice when reading it:

If Twilight 4 Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

Hockey! What?

2011-12-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

Despite the relative success of the Tampa Bay Lightning, I would hazard a guess that most Floridians are not big into the hockey. You see, we lack what you might call "cold" or "ice." Sure, hockey is usually played inside (I guess), and we certainly possess the technology to create an indoor hockey... rink? Yeah, rink, definitely rink. Not a field? No, no, definitely rink. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, hockey as a sport is not really part of our culture in Florida. It's just too hot. I mean, I've seen the Mighty Ducks. It looks great, but I can't say I've ever been to a professional match.

Until now! Spurred on by a pretty good Groupon deal, my friends and I (among us, two Canadians) decided to go see our very own Edinburgh Capitals (very clever name) take on the Hull Stingrays. Ooh!

Edinburgh Capitals (before the game)

Now, I admit I was a bit skeptical at first. For one thing, you go inside and it's colder in there than it is outside. What's up with that? For another thing, this particular rink did not sell or permit alcohol. Listen, I admit to being a bit ignorant about this sport, but I was led to believe that hockey is all about getting drunk and beating people up. Right? What's more, as my Canadian friends informed me, British hockey is tame compared to Canadian hockey. The first couple of periods (look at me using hockey terminology) were pretty slow, but by the third period things had heated up! Metaphorically speaking; it was still very cold.

See, we are happy, but also quite bundled.

In the end, I enjoyed this hockey business. I wish more of the players had beaten each other up, but despite my urgent calls for them to throw down their sticks, all sticks remained in hands. Even so, it was a good experience and one that I would probably repeat if given the opportunity. Who knew?

We even got our picture taken with the mascot! And that's always fun.

End of Term Madness (and a funny picture)

2011-12-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

I'm trying desperately not to do work right now. I have two 4000-essays due within the next two weeks. The first is due Thursday; the second is due the following Thursday, but I'm leaving Wednesday, which means it's due Tuesday. I was going to write a longer post about my fragile and weakening mental state right now, but I'm sure you all can imagine, and I really should get back to writing.

But first, to lift your spirits and mine, check out this flyer that was on display on a bulletin board in the basement of one of my academic buildings:

Rubber duckies who are into bondage. Classic. I wonder if they get university funding.

In anticipation of next year's presidential election...

2011-12-01T13:51:00.000-05:00

... here is one of my favorite commercials of all time, if only for the donkey's last line.

Thanksgiving Abroad

2011-11-29T15:27:00.000-05:00

A lot of people have asked me, "Kimber, do they have Thanksgiving in Scotland?" And I have answered, "No, that's a silly question." A better question would be, "Kimber, how did you celebrate Thanksgiving while living so far away from home?" Well, I'll tell you! (You were worried I wouldn't, weren't you?)

The first step to a successful Thanksgiving abroad is strategic friendships. Now, I'm not saying I made friends with certain people months ago in anticipation of this one holiday. That would be.... crazy. But what I am saying is, it helps to have American friends with flats. Living in the dorms, I have not the space nor facilities to prepare and serve a holiday feast. So I had to finagle some invitations to other people's festivities. That's the first way in which strategic friendships pay off. The celebration to which I was invited was of the potluck variety, so I needed a place to cook. This is the second way strategic friendships pay off. One of my friends who was recently liberated from the dorms graciously allowed me to come over and use his kitchen. (Thanks, Morgan!)

The second step to a successful Thanksgiving abroad is creative shopping. I had several dishes in mind to make, and while they were ultimately a success, it was not without a few adjustments on my part. For example, one of my dishes called for two cups of shredded cheese. Easy in the States. One bag of shredded cheese generally equals two cups. Here, we run into two problems. First, no shredded cheese. Second, everything is measured in grams and milliliters. As a result of this kind of issue, I ended up with an extra block of cheese, way more butter than I could have ever used, and a kilogram of frozen broccoli. What's more, I was totally unable to find a couple of things I needed, like cinnamon and corn meal (for making cornbread dressing, or "stuffing," if you prefer). This last missing ingredient would have been disastrous if not for a successful execution of step three...

Have great parents. Ok, to be fair, this isn't one you can really plan for. Unless you had the inside track at conception, you kind of have to work with the parents you've got. As I've known for a while, mine are pretty great. In this case, that is illustrated by the package I received from them a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving. It contained (among other things) mini marshmallows, a can of french fried onions, JELL-O instant pudding mix, and two bags of stuffing. Essential ingredients for making sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, broccoli casserole, instant pudding, and cornbread dressing, respectively. And each of those four ingredients (with the possibly exception of the marshmallows) is difficult to find in this country. So hooray for my parents! (And for the $50 they spent to mail that package.)

So, armed with all those ingredients (and a healthy supply of red wine), my sous chef Sabrina and I produced four great dishes over the course of about 6 hours and took them over to the home of one of my compatriots for dinner. As it turns out, our dishes made up a significant chunk of the meal, but no one was complaining. Because they were great. And if they were complaining, I didn't notice (remember the red wine).

The long and short of it, readers, is that it was delightful Thanksgiving. Certainly not as great as Thanksgiving at home, but it was a pretty good alternative. Besides great food and delightful company, the best part of Thanksgiving was explaining various aspects of it to the non-North Americans. My favorite things to explain were the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the football game, and Black Friday. Some of it seems a bit silly when describing it to someone not from the US. But that doesn't make it me miss it any less.

Except Black Friday. Forget that shit. Happy post-Thanksgiving!

****

For a much more poetic and touching take on Thanksgiving abroad, I encourage you to read this article by my dear friend Michael McGuire. He tells it like it is, and I will admit, it got me a little emotional. Enjoy!

Because I felt like you should have a sense of closure

2011-11-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

Recommendation: Lana del Rey

2011-11-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

Lana del Rey is a relatively new artist that I discovered through Spotify. (I recommend Spotify, too, if you're not already using it. It's like Grooveshark combined with Facebook, I guess? Although, you don't have to deal with the social networking aspect if you don't want to, so basically it's just like Grooveshark, except that it exists as an application on your desktop instead of as a webpage. Check it out. It's good.) Anyway, back to Lana del Rey.

She has been quite the little success on YouTube with her hit song "Video Games." That song has now been featured on several TV shows, including Ringer*, Gossip Girl, and Made in Chelsea. She doesn't have a full-length album out yet, but she's already playing sold-out concerts, according to her Wikipedia page. Lana del Rey's voice is beautiful. It's resonant and dynamic with a hint of something tragic that really moves me. Check out "Video Games" and look out for more to come from this little lady.

*Also watch Ringer because I don't want it to get cancelled before they solve the mystery!

Marcel the Shell is my favorite!

2011-11-20T15:33:00.000-05:00

My friend Sabrina showed me this a few days ago. I was immediately smitten.

What I'm reading this week

2011-11-15T14:56:00.001-05:00

Hey, gang! I'm sorry for the distinct lack of posts lately. The end of the term is coming up, and I have been at the grind. I thought I'd update you, though, on what I've been reading of late.

Last Friday I finished The French Lieutenant's Woman, an amazing novel by John Fowles about love and duty and identity and stuff in Victorian times. Wow, that was a vastly inaccurate description of what the novel really is. It is set in Victorian times and, in some ways, it's a critique of Victorian life, but it is also (in a way) set in the 1960s and is also a critique of that time. That still doesn't make sense, so you're going to have to take my word for it and read it.

Yesterday and today I read A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. James Joyce's semi-autographical novel about young Stephen Dedalus is wrought with existential dread, religious crises, and aesthetic theories. Woot. Not always a page-turner, but worth having in your arsenal of literary knowledge. Plus, isn't Joyce cute and goofy looking in this picture?

And right now, I am about 15 pages into Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I plan to finish by Thursday. We'll see how that goes. From what I'm told, it's one of those "masterpieces of world literature" you always hear about. At the moment, it seems to be a story about a pedophile (please pronounce that with a long e at the beginning). But I'm going to continue reading it because, well, it's an assignment for class. And again, it's probably one of those books I should have read if I want to call myself a literary individual.

Ta!

I don't know...

2011-11-09T10:47:00.001-05:00

... It looks pretty lackadaisical to me.

Remember, remember...

2011-11-07T06:55:00.002-05:00

Those of you who are up to speed on your British holidays probably know that Saturday was Bonfire Night here in the UK. You might know it better as Guy Fawkes Night. Whatever you call it, it is a pretty big deal around here, and it was loads of fun.

Around 7pm, a group of us left the dorm and headed to Holyrood Park, home of Arthur's Seat and Salisbury Crags, which is conveniently located just behind our residential complex.

Salisbury Crags
We were situated just below where the rock face starts going vertical.

Dozens, maybe even hundreds, of people ranged over the hills to get a good view of the city. And what a view it was! As far as the eye could see, delighted revelers set off fireworks. I've seen many a fireworks display in my time, but never quite like this.

The whole of Edinburgh was aglow with tiny, distant explosions; little pops of color that would sparkle and then fade as you shifted your attention from one side of the city to the other.

I tried to capture the experience on my camera. You'd be shocked to learn that the iPhone does not make the best video recording device, but I think you can still get a sense of the effect from what I recorded. Take a look.

I apologize for the shoddy camerawork, particularly at the end; some jerks decided to walk in front of my shot. What I hope you got from that is that the celebration was happening all over town, and it was truly an amazing thing to witness from our perch halfway up Salisbury Crags.

It was chilly.

After we had had our fill of the fireworks (which was long before they were actually finished), we made our way down the hill and started to head for home. It was around that time that the people on the hill itself decided to set off their own fireworks, so we were treated to a series of close-up displays, made all the more exciting because I knew these fireworks were being set off from the side of a mountain, amid large groups of people. Hooray for danger!

But lest you worry, dear reader, please know that I was not close enough to the actual setting off of the fireworks to be in harm's way. So you can put your minds at ease.

When we reached the entrance to our housing complex, we decided not to go home and instead to have a mini-pubcrawl. First we hit up a pub aptly named the Ale House, where a live musician serenaded us as we consumed a couple of pints and a bowl of chips and cheese.

For the North Americans among you, that is French fries with shredded cheese on top. And before you start thinking "but wouldn't melted cheese be easier to eat on top of the fries?", let me assure you that the heat of the fries melts the shredded cheese, making a delicious pile of cheesy goodness.

Not unlike sratchos*

Once the chips and cheese were gone, it was off to our favorite local pub, the Montague, and then home to watch my favorite Guy Fawkes Day classic, V for Vendetta.

All in all, the best Bonfire Night I've had in years.

*sratchos (n.) - nachos made in a sorority (or "srat") house by melting cheese on top of tortilla chips in a microwave

'Tis the Season

2011-11-05T13:55:00.001-04:00

Well, dear readers, Halloween is over, and the holiday season is upon us. You know how I know?

Yup, if Starbucks has the red cups and eggnog lattes, that means it's almost Christmas. Only 49 shopping days left, my friends. I hope you're getting as excited as I.

Halloween in Scotland

2011-11-02T20:56:00.000-04:00

So I bet you're wondering, "Kimber, do they celebrate Halloween in Scotland?" Heck, yes they do, dear reader! And this year, possibly because of Halloween's weird Monday-placement, the festivities began on Friday and carried on through the weekend. (Another reason for this all-weekend partying might be that people will take any excuse to go out and wear funny costumes. But what do I know?)

I myself only dressed up for the day itself (because I am purist), but dedicated revelers made the most of their weekend. Some of my favorite costumes include a girl in a pirate costume with a giant CD attached to her front and this homemade car costume:

I had a pretty fun weekend myself. Would you like to hear about it?

On Sunday, a group of post-grads from my building went on the Auld Reekie Terror Tour. This is a terrifying 1 1/4-hour jaunt through the streets of Edinburgh and into the famous South Bridge vaults. It can be debated how terrifying the tour itself actually was, but it cannot be denied that those vaults are creepy as hell. While I was not touched by any ghosts (that I know of), I was pretty horrified just hearing about the true things that happened down there. I don't really want to go into detail because it's fairly disturbing. Let's just say, not a fun place. Oh, also, there is a present-day coven that continues to practice there. Even they are afraid of the vaults!

The tour also involved a visit to the torture museum, which made me want to pass out. What can I say? I'm not a fan of torture. On the bright side, the tour ended with whiskey and shortbread. Hooray!

On Monday, I attended a Halloween party, hosted by one of my classmates and the people she lives with. (I'm sorry, "the people with whom she lives.") One couple come dressed as the Fantastic Mr. Fox and Mrs. Fox, which was a huge win. There was a minor fail involving a terrible pumpkin-and-rum concoction, but we bounced back and much fun was had by all.

Here is a picture of my costume. I'm going to give you a moment to look at it before I tell you what I am.

Less blurry close-up:

Why, yes. That is a full-body pink jumpsuit. No, I cannot explain why I own such a thing. Yes, I did buy it when I was 15. Jealous? No, no you're not.

Ok, figured it out, dear reader? I'm gum! Take a minute, let it sink in. Yeah, I'm pretty proud. All in all, this was a successful Halloween.

Recommendation: I Love You Phillip Morris

2011-10-30T10:46:00.001-04:00

I first became aware of the film I Love You Phillip Morris when a trailer for it began playing in my local Blockbuster. Until that moment I had never heard of this movie, and if I had, I would have thought it had something to with cigarettes, like Thank You For Smoking. Not so.

I Love You Phillip Morris is the true story of con artist Steven Russell, played by Jim Carrey. He is arrested for his cons, and while in prison, he falls in love with a sweet young man named Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor). The rest of the film chronicles their love story and Steven's attempts to make a life for the two of them. But can he clean up his act, or will Steven's life as a confidence man continue to cause trouble?

The movie is at turns romantic, touching, sad, and hilarious. Mostly, it's hilarious. Here's what professional film critic (not actor) Roger Moore of the Orlando Sentinel had to say about the film:

Despite its title, it has nothing to do with cigarettes. But its star, as he once famously said on screen, is absolutely "smokin'."

Jim Carrey is the narrator, heart of soul of "I Love You Phillip Morris," transforming what could have been a cliched con man comedy, generic Jim Carrey character comedy, or run-of-the-mill gay coming-out comedy into something smarter, sweeter, and downright giddy.

There's a lot more to the film than I have described, but I am loathe to give anything away. Just take my word for it. It's a good movie.

Grocery stores are different here

2011-10-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

During my recent sojourn to my local Tesco Metro, I came across a few products that I thought deserved to be photographed. I'm sure this will be the first in a series of similar blog posts.

Why in the world would a tissue need to be "mansize"? On second thought, do not answer that.

Note: this is a clear soda, not unlike Sprite. If this doesn't seem strange to you,
then you are perhaps more worldly than I. This is the only color of cream soda I have ever seen.

Fanta Beach?! It's strawberry-kiwi flavored! This sounds amazing.

Gross.

This picture is awful. The focal point is illegible. I apologize. What you're meant to be seeing is the sign in the back that reads "Pot Snacks." Teehee. Not what they meant, but that would be a brilliant idea.

My Olympic Dream Comes True*

2011-10-26T09:08:00.001-04:00

As most of you probably know, next year's Summer Olympics are being held in London. I'm working on getting tickets. Apparently it's pretty popular. Who knew? So I'm not sure if I'll actually get to go. I'll keep you posted on that.

BUT the real news is what happened on Monday. As a sponsor of the Olympics, Coke is doing a publicity tour around the UK to get nominations for torch bearers. They're giving away free Coke and LETTING PEOPLE HOLD THE OLYMPIC TORCH!

AND I DID IT!!

That's right, jealous readers, the Olympic Torch was visiting the University of Edinburgh on Monday afternoon, and my friend Kyley and I went to see it. I expected it just to be on display so we could all "ooh" and "ahh." But no. There was a line to hold it and have your picture taken. We even had to wear special torch-bearer gloves. Then they gave us wee Cokes! It was exhilarating. Check out my photo shoot!

As you can see, I took a whirlwind tour around the UK.

*I'm not an athlete. My Olympics dreams do not extend beyond touching the torch. And maybe seeing Nastia Liukin in London.

A Perfect Saturday?

2011-10-25T06:19:00.000-04:00

Pretty much.

Love is in the Air

2011-10-21T12:12:00.000-04:00

October is 2/3 of the way done, and you know what that means, dear readers. That's right, love is in the air. To celebrate love today, here is a video I just found of Jim Carrey confessing his love for Emma Stone. Heart-warming. Happy Friday!

The Lion King... in 3D!

2011-10-20T14:34:00.001-04:00

For those of you who don't know, Disney has re-released The Lion King in theaters, remastered and in 3D. So of course, I went to see it.

The showing I attended was at 9:20pm. There were no children present. The entire audience seemed to consist of 20-somethings, who were all clearly reliving their childhoods. The excitement in the air was palpable!

Before the film, there were a few indications that the people who designed the previews were, perhaps, not targeting the audience that was, at that moment, occupying the theater. We got commercials for Barbie and Legos. Then there were trailers for Arthur Christmas, Hugo, Puss in Boots, and Happy Feet Two. Ok, maybe they were targeting me, because I am very excited about Happy Feet Two. But that's beside the point. What I'm getting at is that there was a certain air of childishness within the theater that night. And I loved it!

At long last, after all those previews, the screen went black and then the famous Disney logo appeared, complete with castle and that "D" that nobody realized was a "D" for years and that, to this day, makes me think of some kind of distorted backward "G." Aww, nostalgia.

Of course, they've updated it for the younger generation.
These kids and their CGI film studio logos. Back in my day...

In the moments before the movie started, in the quiet of the theater, the excitement could be contained no longer. Almost everyone began spontaneously to giggle, as if the level of joy they felt at being there was too great to maintain their silence and the only sound appropriate to express such joy was the most innocent and childlike of all sounds: the giggle. Then, as if in a dream, the sun began to rise and that first note sounded loud and bright and thus commenced 89 minutes of me having goosebumps.

It was wonderful. The movie looked great, all remastered and whatnot. And the 3D wasn't bad, neither! It makes you so amazed to remember that it was all hand-drawn. Having not seen the movie in years, I picked up on way more jokes this time. My favorites were the almost-constant animal puns. This scene is a prime example. Hilarious. (Just like this delightful raccoon.)

During every song, you could tell that the whole theater was itching to sing along but resisting out of movie theater courtesy. There was one moment, however, when things almost got ugly. During this scene, some heartless jerks, who clearly did not have any respect for their fellow man, poked their heads in the theater and started yelling nonsense. I'm fairly certain that if they hadn't stopped within another minute, everyone in the theater was prepared to go down there and destroy them. Luckily, it did not come to this.

Other than that momentary hiccup, The Lion King in 3D was a rousing success! It was even worth the 70-minutes roundtrip it took for me to walk there and back. I definitely recommend going. You may not be a big Disney fan, but this is a seriously enjoyable movie, and seeing in the theater, surrounded by people who are totally loving it, might just melt your hard, cold heart and remind you what it was like to be a child again.

I will leave you with this link to the Moviefone blog, where they have created a list of 17 interesting things you may not have known about The Lion King. For example, "originally, the movie was going to be called 'King of the Jungle,' until the filmmakers realized that lions live on the savanna, not in the jungle." Ha! Good catch, filmmakers.

Happy Thursday!

Great Cinema

2011-10-16T18:04:00.001-04:00

The other day I popped into the Pound Saver to pick up a few odds and ends. For those of you not living in the UK, the Pound Saver is the equivalent of a Dollar Store. Only it uses pounds. So it's the $1.60 Store, depending on the exchange rate.

While I was there, I stumbled upon this gem of British filmmaking. I present to you... IRON HERO!

I know this picture is pretty difficult to read, so to help you out, the top says "The heart of 'Superman', The mind and body of 'Terminator'." The bottom reads "Part man... Part machine... All hero."

Now, unless this obvious Iron Man rip-off literally has a human heart (which he might, I don't know), I would argue that to have the heart of Superman but the mind and body of Terminator just makes him Terminator from Terminator 2. If you haven't seen that film, spoiler alert, he's a good guy in it.

I could go on about how lame this cover is (for example, I could mention that the line at the bottom is practically a quotation of the RoboCop tagline), but I'd like to move on to what I found out about the movie by doing a Google search. First, the IMDb page refers to the movie as Metal Man. I believe that's because it was released as Iron Hero in the UK in 2008 but as Metal Man in Germany in 2010.

Here's the plot summary as provided by "Anonymous" on IMDb:

Kyle Finn has the ultimate combat machine, a metal suit with super-human powers, and he uses it to defend the good and fight evil. That 'evil' comes in the form of Reed, his ninja henchmen and the Mecha Terror robot: has the Metal Man finally met his match?

This just keeps getting better. This raises several questions, like, is this a robot, with the mind and body of Terminator? Or, is this an Iron Man suit with a person inside? I'm pretty sure it has to be one or the other. Unless the suit transforms Kyle Finn into a robot with a human heart. Or maybe Kyle is a robot. Maybe the summary should read "Kyle Finn IS the ultimate combat machine... and he uses HIMSELF to defend the good and fight evil." Also, what kind of a super villain is named Reed? And why does he have both ninja henchman AND an evil robot? Oh, and the same questions I asked regarding Metal Man apply to Mecha Terror: robot, suit, etc.?

Oh so many questions! Why, oh, why didn't I shell out the £1 to buy this movie?

Well, we're in luck, dear readers, because someone out there did. And then he recorded a series of four YouTube videos, adding up to about 37 minutes, in which he reviews the whole movie. If you really want to see how bad this movie is, I recommend at least watching the first of the four videos. He includes clips and an ongoing plot summary that is, frankly, pretty amazing. Just when you think Iron Hero cannot get any worse... it does. Incredible.

Ah, the things you find in the Scottish Dollar Store.

A Castle! Ooh! Aah!

2011-10-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday my friend Sabrina and I joined the International Student Centre on a trip to Culzean Castle. That's Culzean, pronounced cuh-LAY-in. Yes, I know there's a z in there. I don't pretend that the pronunciation of Gaelic things makes sense.

Anyhow, we visited this delightful castle, which is on the west coast, about 2 1/2 hours by bus from Edinburgh.

See, there it is. Historically, the castle and its grounds belonged to the Kennedy family, but it is now owned by the National Trust for Scotland. We rode there on a charter bus with 70 of our closest friends. And I do mean closest. I have never seen a bus designed to fit so many people into such a small space. Across each row, there were a total of five seats, three on one side of the aisle, two on the other. The seats and the aisle were each about 2/3 the width of a normal bus seat. Needless to say, not the most comfortable of rides. But,seeing as I woke up at 7:30am that Saturday, I spent most of my time in the sardine can sleeping.

Upon our arrival at Culzean Castle, we were given maps and told when to meet for our castle tour. As it turns out, the land upon which Culzean Castle sits is quite expansive. It includes lakes, forests, lush meadows, a beach, some lovely cliffs, and even some enticing caves, where we were unable to explore because the tide was too high.

Our first stop before the castle tour was the beach. At this point, we were still hoping to find the caves. No dice, but we did get to enjoy that crisp autumn sea air. The beach at Culzean is not exactly a place you would go sunbathing, but it was still a beautiful sight.

After our beach adventure, we set out along a road through the forest to find the park's secondhand bookshop. I bet you're wondering why the castle grounds need a secondhand bookshop. I assure you, it has not been there since ancient times. It's quite a nice scheme, actually. All of their books are donated, and all of the proceeds go toward castle upkeep. It's a nice alternative to selling souvenirs and knickknacks, I say. Of course, they have those too.

Around 1:30pm Sabrina and I returned to the castle for our tour. No photos were allowed inside, but trust me when I tell you it is amazing. Every room screams decadence. Marble fireplaces, ornate rugs, sculpted ceilings. Oh and of course, each room is equipped with a bell for summoning servants, who moved through the house using secret passageways so that the masters never had to see the help. The walls boast portraits of the various earls and marquesses of the family, most of whom were named Archibald. Our guide was a delightful man named Mark, who was just full of knowledge about the various lords of the family. He even told us the origin of the phrase "to lose face," which apparently comes from the makeup women used to wear in the olden days. They would put a layer of wax under their makeup to fill in their pox-scars, and when they sat by the fire, their faces would start melting off. De-LIGHT-ful.

Post-tour, we went in search of the swan pond. That's right. SWAN POND! On the way, we found the Walled Garden, which made me feel like I was in the Secret Garden, only it was a little better tended and a little less secret than I would have liked.

The swan pond was about a 10-minute walk from the garden, and about five minutes after we got there we had to head back to the bus. But we did have time for a couple of pictures. As one of my compatriots commented, "I've never been so close to a swan without it trying to bite me." It's always a good day when you can get close to a swan and not get attacked.

After that, it was a quick walk back to the cramped bus by way of the deer park. Because when you are super-wealthy, you keep your own field full of deer. That's just how it works.

I hope you enjoyed my trip to Culzean Castle, dear readers. I hope to have many more adventures in old Scottish places. So stayed tuned!

Below you will find more pictures of the castle and grounds. All photo credits for this post go to Miss Sabrina Uswak, who has sweet photo-editing skills and the foresight to bring a digital camera that didn't die within the first 20 minutes of our arrival.

P.S. If you like the blog, consider signing up to be a follower. It's very easy, particularly if you have a Google email address, and it won't get you added to any mailing lists. It's really just there to boost my ego. Because after all, isn't that what this blog is all about? Cheers!

I think Gaga would be proud

2011-10-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

Recommendation: Legend of the Seeker

2011-10-07T12:47:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This is pretty nerdy. Do not continue reading if you want to keep thinking of me as really cool. If you've already had the veil torn from your eyes, by all means, read on.

If you are fan of fantasy, I must recommend Legend of the Seeker. This is a two-pronged recommendation, as Legend of the Seeker is both a short-lived television series and a book series, on which the TV show was based. Well, to be more precise, the book series is called the Sword of Truth series, but its main character is, you guessed it, the Seeker.

I watched the show first. The two seasons it ran are available to watch on Netflix, and it won my heart. It has elements of several shows I've liked over the years, particularly Xena: Warrior Princess and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It combines a "chosen one"-type hero with all the cheesy special effects you expect from a made-for-TV adventure series. Magical powers, fantastical beasts, evil warlords, occasional zombies. What more could you ask?

It's a really enjoyable time, and after I finished the second season of the show, I found myself wanting more from these characters. I really loved their relationships in particular (because I am a woman), and it was then that I discovered the whole thing was based on a book series.

The first book follows the first season of the TV show pretty closely. There are some minor differences, some places where the action of the book was altered slightly to fit a more serial format, and some things that are just downright different. But I think the TV show captured the spirit of the books well, and anything that was changed during the adaptation only serves to make the book more interesting to me, as I'm not sure exactly what will happen. It keeps things exciting.

The first Sword of Truth book is called Wizard's First Rule, and last I checked, Legend of the Seeker is available for streaming on Netflix. I recommend starting with the show, but that's just me. Also be warned that the love story is played up a lot more in the book than in the show, but then again, I think the book is also more violent, so I guess it balances out.

*****

As a bonus, here is an interview with the main characters from the show. It answers a few questions about what the show is about. Also they talk about New Zealand and wanting to hug sheep.

Oh and just so you are not confused if you watch the show after watching this video, note that the Richard character does not speak with an Australian accent. That threw me a bit when I heard Craig Horner (the actor) speak.

Scottish McDonald's: An Investigative Report

2011-10-02T14:07:00.002-04:00

In my world travels, I have often been intrigued by the regional differences one can find in that most hallowed of fast-food chains, McDonald's. As we all know, one of the primary the reasons you go to McDonald's is for the consistency. No matter where in the country you are, you can always count on McDonald's being the same. Go to a different country, though, and all bets are off.

If you're in South Korea, you can expect to eat Bulgogi burgers. If you're in Cyprus, you can apparently purchase Carlsberg beer. So what about Scotland? Well, dear readers, it is my duty as your resident bloggist to find the answers to these kinds of pressing questions. Last week, I walked a little less than 2 miles to my local McDonald's to try out the Scottish version of American fast-food.

Of course, they had some of the usual fare: Big Macs, french fries, Chicken McNuggets, Quarter Pounders, and Filet o' Fish sandwiches. There were a few things, however, that were different. Nothing as extreme as Shrimp Burgers or Vegatable McCurry, but still not the same as what you've had if you've only ever eaten at McDonald's in the States.

I only ordered the four items I found most different/interesting/potentially appetizing. They are detailed below, with pictures. In addition to these four, they had Snack Wraps in Garlic and Herb flavor, something called a Chicken Legend, which I think was just a fried chicken sandwich, and a variety of "Deli Choices" in flavors like spicy vegetable and sweet chili chicken.

But now on the stuff I actually tasted. Here is my meal:

Scottish Product #1: 1955 Burger

I'm really not sure why they named it that. Presumably, everyone in Scotland in the 1950s preferred their burgers this way, but I cannot confirm that, as I am not a Scottish Marty McFly (he would be named Marty MacFly). This twist on your traditional cheeseburger comes with lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, bacon, and some kind of smoky sauce. They were really into smoky things at that McDonald's, which you will see more of later on. The burger doesn't look terribly appetizing all open like that, but I wanted to give an accurate picture of what was inside, minus the tomato, which I removed. It was ok, but of the things I ate that day, it was my least favorite. The smoky sauce just wasn't doing it for me.

Scottish Product #2: Potato Wedges

While I love your traditional McDonald's fries, I have to say that I am a huge fan of the potato wedges. They are more potato-y than their thinner cousins, which I think makes them less greasy and therefore, healthier. (I'm pretty sure they're not healthier, don't eat lots of them just because I said it's ok.) They are also slightly seasoned, which is a nice touch.

Scottish Product #3: Crunchie McFlurry

The McFlurry is, of course, a staple of McDonald's cuisine. What makes the McFlurrys from the Scottish McDonald's unique is that they're made with British candy rather than American, obviously. This one is made with one of my personal favorites, the Crunchie bar. If you've never had a Crunchie, you are missing out. If you don't live in the UK, maybe you can order them on Amazon. If you do live in the UK and have never had one, shame on you. Go buy a Crunchie.

Scottish Product #4: Shake 'n' Taste Chicken

This is my favorite product of the day and the one that I felt required the most explanation/pictures. It is more of a "snack" product, rather than a main course. What it is, is a paper bag with two chicken strips and a packet of flavoring.

Note again the preference for "smoky." Yum. As the flavor packet says, you rip it open, tip it into the chicken bag, shake, and enjoy.

You end up with chicken strips coated in a vaguely sticky BBQ-flavored powder. The snack was a bit problematic because the powder didn't really distribute evenly over the chicken, and a good deal of it remained on the inside of the bag. However, it was really tasty and made me wish all fast-food chains gave me BBQ powder with my chicken strips.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed this sojourn into the pinnacle of Scottish cuisine, my friends. Until next time, I will be working off the 3000 calories I consumed for your sake in the name of truth.

The End... or is it?

Yeah, it's the end.

We went to the Zoo!

2011-09-27T14:23:00.001-04:00

Last Friday I had the pleasure, the absolute pleasure, of visiting the Edinburgh Zoo. I don't think there has ever been a group of people so excited to go to the zoo as our group of five post-grads was that day. It was, in a word, delightful.

The Edinburgh Zoo is, like many places in Edinburgh, on a hill. So as you make your way through the zoo, you find yourself gradually increasing in altitude, until you get views like this:

Nice, eh?

I'm not going to give you a play-by-play of all the animals I saw that day. I took a lot more pictures than were probably necessary. This is one of my favorites:

Capuchin!

I wish the glare hadn't been so bad at the monkey enclosures. The monkeys were awesome, particularly the baby baboons.

But while I love pretty much all the animals, the highlight of the day was the Penguin Parade. Yes, that's right. I said Penguin Parade. Every day at the Edinburgh Zoo they invite whichever penguins are so inclined to leave their posh penguin enclosure and parade around the nearby walkway. If there is anything better than penguins, it is the way penguins walk. They are the best.

The parade is not obligatory; they don't try to coax the penguins out at all, so only those who line up at the gate at the appropriate time become part of the parade. The day I was there, we only got about six takers, but they were still super amusing. The best part was when one started walking straight toward me. Check it out!

Who can you resist penguins? Like these guys:

They look like they really want to interact with all the smitten zoo-goers. In reality, they are sleeping. Whatever, those penguins do what they want!

On the way out of the zoo, we came upon a carved wooden throne, randomly placed in an out-of-the-way clearing. Naturally, this was an excellent photo opportunity.

Well, dear readers, I hope this small taste of the Edinburgh Zoo has whetted your appetite for some adorable animals. Hmm. That came out wrong. What I'm getting at is, go support your local zoo. It's super fun. And who knows? You might even have... AN ADVENTURE!

Hey Jesus, what is a Toastie?

2011-09-22T11:27:00.001-04:00

I cannot begin to tell you how many flyers I have been handed while walking down the street since I became a student at this school. And that untellable amount is only about half the number of people I have seen giving away flyers and deftly managed to avoid. Maybe that's a thing at all big schools, but it is foreign to me and thus, AN ADVENTURE!

Well, today I was walking to the library, and out front a man was chanting "Free Toastie" while passing out some sort of card. Unable to avoid him and not wanting to be rude, I accepted the card and continued on into the library. It was then that I took a moment to read what I hand been handed.

Despite what the wording would suggest, this flyer is not asking you to send a text to a toastie, whatever that may be. Nor is "Toastie" an incarcerated individual that the man handing out the cards wants exonerated (which would explain the "Free Toastie" chant that accompanied the flyer).*

No, in fact, the flyer asks you to do a series of things in order to be given a free toastie, which is apparently some kind of grilled sandwich (I just looked it up). Here are the steps required to get your toasted sandwich:

Send a text to [number given] every other Thursday (dates provided) between 8 and 10 pm. Text should include:
1. Your address (so they know where to deliver your toastie)
2. The flavor of toastie you want (choices are ham, cheese, and chocolate. I can only imagine what a grilled chocolate sandwich is like)
AND (drumroll, please)
3. A question you would like to ask Jesus if you could

That's it. Ask Jesus a question, get a sandwich. Just as it was in Biblical times.

My friend Alan proposed the question that serves that this post's title. Other questions I might ask include "Where is this toastie coming from?" "Who made it?" and "What are the nutrition facts of my toastie?"

The group giving away the toasties included their website on the flyer. I checked it out, and I discovered that you can expect an answer to your question when your toastie is delivered to your place of residence. But here's the thing: the flyer invites you to ask a question of Jesus, not to ask a question of a member of this organization. How can they be so sure they are capable of answering my question? What if I want to know Jesus' opinion on the current economic crisis? Or which of the disciples was his favorite?

Clearly, they are not expecting those kinds of questions. That kind of snarkiness does not earn you a toastie. No, they probably want moral and theological questions, but the way I see it, if these people can answer my question without consulting Jesus directly, presumably I could access the same source of knowledge and answer the question myself.

But then I wouldn't get a free toastie, now would I?

*This kind of misunderstanding is not uncommon nor should it be taken lightly, as you can see in this episode of South Park.

Conquering Arthur's Seat: A Hero's Story

2011-09-19T17:44:00.001-04:00

Day dawned over a cloudy Scottish sky. The air smelled of victory, and I knew that this day would be a day for triumph.

Yes, my friends, I climbed Arthur's Seat. For those of you who have not visited Edinburgh (yet), Arthur's Seat is a large hill (or small mountain, depending on your prospective) in the middle of the city. This past Sunday, the Hill Walking Club (yes, we have one of those here) led a trip up the hill, and I was lucky (and brave) enough to join them. (There were lots of parenthetical statements in that paragraph.)

We were not the only group trying to conquer the mountain that day, dear readers. Oh no. Like a parade, 100 of my closest friends and I began our ascent.

See them snaking up the hill there?

The going was slow at first. The hill has stone steps stuck in the dirt up the side. I use the word "steps" loosely, because while they were clearly placed there by humans, they are very uneven and irregularly spaced. I realized on the ascent that I am tragically out of shape. Perhaps this can be cured with a few more walks up to Arthur's Seat. We shall see. About 3/4 of the way up we stopped for a sitting break and some lovely pictures.

Behold the majesty!

The last bit of the way to the very top was a bit of a free-for-all scramble, where the stairs are gone and you find your own freaking way up there, you wimp. You want to get to the top, you have to earn it.

From the very top, you can see the whole of Edinburgh. It was really quite lovely. I didn't realize how big the city was, as I only get to see a bit on my occasional walks about town. I felt quite accomplished there on the top. But then, looking into the distance, we saw that rainclouds were approaching, so we decided to begin the descent. This is where the real adventure began.

As we began to make our way back down the man-made stone steps, small drops of rain began to fall. Now, I am not one to be deterred by a bit of moisture from the sky. After all, I'm a grown-ass woman. Unfortunately, my defiant disdain of the rain did not keep it from making the rocks slippery as all get out. Despite the awesome, hardcore hiking boots I was wearing (unlike the non-planners who chose to wear TOMS to climb the mountain), I still found it incredibly difficult to keep my footing. At one point, I fell on my bum (no, I will not show you the bruise), but the worst was yet to come.

Near the bottom, I lost my footing again, but this time I reached out for a bush to catch myself. As ill luck would have it, the bush I grabbed was of the prickly variety, so instead of lessening the impact of my fall, I made things much worse. My arm was scratched and pricked all the way to the elbow, and my hand was punctured no less than six times, each of which puncture drew blood. I also ended up with a couple of splinters that I had to remove later. Needless to say, by the time I reached the bottom, I was a hot mess.*

But I prevailed. I wasn't about to let some jerk of a bush keep me from attending the after-climb party at a local pub, where I cleaned myself up and enjoyed some deliciously free sandwiches.

Today I still bear the marks of my misadventure, and my quads are a bit sore, but I feel incredibly accomplished. And also incredibly disdainful of those people who were waiting for the elevator when I came home.

Continue scrolling down if you would like to see some of the vistas that can be viewed from Arthur's Seat.

*I learned today that some of my British friends may not know what a "hot mess" is. I generally define it like this:

Her whole being is a definition

"Not too much, I hope"

2011-09-17T08:10:00.000-04:00

Last night, there was a Stewart's beer tasting at my new favorite neighborhood bar, The Montague (sounds very classy, doesn't it?). The idea was that you taste their beers for free, and then if you buy a pint of one from the bar you get a raffle ticket to win a cask. Needless to say, I had in mind to win that cask, so I bought a bottle of their Hefeweizen. For those of you who don't know, Hefeweizen is a German wheat beer and is widely regarded, by me, to be the most fun beer to say. It was good, but as I was partaking, one of my compatriots drew my attention to the label:

Yes, yes, that's all well and good, you say. Look closer.

Mmm. Passion. Just the way I like my cloudy German beers. Sláinte!

First Impressions of Life in Edinburgh

2011-09-15T20:16:00.001-04:00

Well, I'm here in Edinburgh, dear readers. It's been quite the move, and I apologize for the long lapse between posts. I'm still a bit jet-lagged, and I haven't been able to use my computer much, as I left my charger at home. Fear not, though, it is winging its way here as I type, and my generous RA has allowed me to borrow his for the nonce. (Well, at least long enough for mine to get an adequate charge.)

Already there are many things I like about living in Edinburgh and several that are going to take some getting used to.

I love the feel of the city. While it's busy and vibrant, I haven't felt unsafe at all here. The locals are really friendly, and everywhere I've been has felt very welcoming. There's so much to do here, much of which will be chronicled in the blog over the next few months. In fact, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do everything the city has to offer and study, but I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

So far, the top problem I'm having is the weather, especially as regards looking cute. I know how to deal with humidity, and I'm not too worried about the cold (yet), but I did not foresee how windy it would be.

My second day here we were advised not to open our windows, lest the wind blow them off (or something). As you can imagine, this kind of gale-force wind buffeting the city does quite the number on my hair. (You can tell classes haven't started yet because this is my biggest problem.) So I leave the house looking all nice and done-up, then the wind starts blowing and my hair goes into a schoolmarm's bun, and I basically finished looking cute for the day.

Which leads me to the other hindrance to my cuteness factor: rain. And to a lesser degree, cold. While I generally prefer dressing for cold than hot (because you can always put more on, but at a certain point you can no longer take anything else off), when it is both cold and wet, your shoe and clothing options become limited. I have to be prepared to become waterproof at any given time, which does not always translate into cuteness.

Now, you may think, dear reader, that this is all a non-issue and why am I wasting your precious time with this? And you would be right, but it's been weighing on my mind since I arrived, and as they say, "a burden shared is a burden halved, and this is my blog, so shut it."

I kid, I kid. The truth is, my experience here has been so good thus far that I'm really reaching for things to complain about. The weather the past two days has been wonderful, and while I'm sure nature is just lulling me into a false sense of security, I can't deny the beauty of this place (even when it's raining and windy).

Besides, when all is said and done and it's windy and raining and I have to bundle up and waterproof myself, this is still pretty cute:

Am I right?

I'm moving to Scotland! AHH!

2011-09-05T09:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't really mentioned this on the blog, and since most you know me personally, it didn't really seem necessary, but for those who don't know and are at all interested, I am moving to Scotland. On Thursday.

It's only for a year while I pursue a Master's in English from the University of Edinburgh. But what that means for you, dear reader, is that my blog posts are about to get a whole lot more interesting! And by that I mean, they are about to deal a lot more with life as a grad student living abroad and a lot less with life as an unemployed person. I hope that translates into "more interesting." Only time will tell.

I could go into the story of how I got to this point: applying to grad school, getting rejected, then getting in but in a different country. It's kind of a funny story actually, one that involves massive amounts of low self-esteem, followed by some very high self-esteem and ultimately, the prospect of a rather scary move to a new country, where I will have a make new friends for the first time in 5 years. But that's all in the past!

It's time to look to the future, my friends. To a future in which I will probably be writing a lot about haggis and people with funny accents. So get ready for that.

Thursday is fast approaching and I still need to pack, so in honor of Labor Day and to set up all my future posts about America vs. the UK, I will leave you with this:

"American History According to a British Teenager"*

*Note: I don't think the fact that this kid is British has anything to do with his being horrible at history, but isn't it fun to laugh at teenagers?

My policy on in-flight socializing

2011-09-02T09:30:00.000-04:00

I don't do it.

Allow me to elaborate.

I take my plane time very seriously. I use it for reading, listening to music, and watching movies. Also eating. Being on a plane is a very productive time for me. I don't even sleep because it cuts into my productivity. Also because I can't. But that's another story.

My point is, what I don't want to be doing on a plane is making friends with someone I will never see again. In Fight Club, Edward Norton refers to these people as "single-serving friends." But I have friends already. My need for companionship is not such that I want to strike up a conversation with a stranger.

Don't get me wrong: if my seatmate talks to me, I will respond. I'm not rude. I've even been known to spend an entire flight conversing with a chatty fellow passenger. But make no mistake: I did
not enjoy it. I'm a brilliant actress so the person I was talking to thinks I enjoyed it. But I didn't. I would rather have been reading.

Of course, there are times when you can't completely avoid speaking with other people on planes. Sometimes you might need to get up to go to the bathroom. Or perhaps, as I've said before, they will talk to you first. I don't advocate rudeness. Respond and be polite, but if you want to avoid the beginning of such conversation, here are...

Kimber's Tips for Avoiding In-flight Conversation: (it's not exactly pithy, but oh well)

1. Do NOT make eye contact - This is key. Making eye contact is like an open invitation for someone to start speaking to you. Granted, some Chatty Cathys don't even need that. They will start gabbing no matter what. But your average airline passenger is a little shy of talking to strangers, so if you never look them in the eye, they will probably not get up the courage to speak to you in the first place. Plus, eye contact might lead to polite smiles or (heaven forbid) a knowing glance, and then you're done for.

2. Headphones - If you have headphones in, you have license to ignore everything around you. You don't even have to be listening to anything, but as long as those headphones are in/on your ears, people will assume you are deaf to the world. Even if you do hear their attempts to talk to you, you can always pretend you can't, requiring them to tap you if they really want your attention. Most people don't want your attention that badly. Unless they need to get past you to go to the bathroom. Of course, the headphone system works when you first board the plane (prime conversation starting time) and during the bulk of the flight. "But, Kimber," you ask, "What about that pesky time frame between the closing of the airplane's doors and the arrival at 10,000 feet during which electronic devices must be turned off?" Well, dear reader, for that period you must have...

3. Books - The moment I sit down on an airplane, I bury my nose in a book. If you look completely engrossed in something, it takes a pretty ballsy individual to try to distract you from that thing. Magazines and newspapers can work as well, but they run the risk of seeming too casual. Articles are short and you don't hear people talk about "getting lost in a good issue of Cosmo." Books, on the other hand, make it appear to your fellow passengers that you are really committed to what you are reading. You might be at a really exciting part or studying for that big test, and most seatmates will not impose on that. You're always going to get your "what are you reading?"s, but you have to deal with those and move on as quickly as possible. And make sure to bring a real book. E-readers will not help you during the crucial "no electronic devices" period.

4. Sleeping - If all else fails and you are really desperate not to talk to someone, sleep. Or at least, pretend to sleep. On more than one occasion, I have closed my eyes on a plane as a way of saying to my fellow passengers "Do not even try to chat with me. This is a dead end. Move along." Or maybe you're one of those people who actually can sleep on planes. If so, I envy you, and that can be your number one strategy. I will stick with averting my eyes.

Please don't get the wrong impression, dear reader. I'm a nice person and an excellent conversationalist. But the fact remains that unless I already know someone or desire to get to know them for the future, I don't care to expend my time or energy with mindless getting-to-know-you drivel. I've been an RA. I have played more getting-to-know-you games then I care to remember. And people on planes are a prime example of people that I will never see again and therefore, do not care to hear talk about themselves for the space of a few hours.

I would wager that 9 out of 10 of my fellow passengers feel exactly the same way and appreciate my ongoing efforts not to talk to them.

This last, of course, I assume, as I have never (and will never) asked them.

Thought of the Day

2011-08-28T18:32:00.003-04:00

Email from my gym

2011-08-23T09:18:00.001-04:00

Occasionally my gym will send me emails to tell me about special promotions or to announce new classes the gym will be offering. Today I received one the latter emails. Here is the first sentence of the message:

Like to drop it like it's hot? Show off your best moves right here in the LFF club. Introducing a new group fitness class where you can dance the weight away...SH'BAM.

There's more, but that's really all I wanted to share with you. To sum up, my gym is offering a new dance fitness class; it is called "Sh'Bam"; and the old white person who wrote this email wants to know if I like to drop it like it's hot.

Happy Tuesday!

Saw this at Barnes and Noble...

2011-08-20T00:39:00.000-04:00

Nice. Who knew there were at least five periodicals for the pot-smoking community?

Best. Trailer. Ever.

2011-08-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

I am seriously considering buying a copy of this movie from Amazon.

To celebrate the upcoming election season...

2011-08-15T01:27:00.000-04:00

Here are some discussion questions about democracy, brought to you from America the Book by the staff of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Discussion Questions:

1. If you lived in a monarchy, would you rather be the king or a slave? Why or why not?

2. What is the central ideological difference between democracy and cannibalism?

3. You're a fifth-century Greek city-state growing increasingly concerned over repeated Persian incursions into the central Peloponnesian peninsula. How many hoplites can you dispatch to Thermopylae without jeopardizing the triremes commanded by Themistocles for the naval engagement at Artemisium? Show your work.

4. Does the expression "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" apply to all cities, or just Rome?

5. The notion that each individual has worth in society found political expression in the invention of democracy. What's bullshit about this?

Recommendation: Tuna Sub

2011-08-12T18:29:00.000-04:00

Today is Friday, which means it's Tuna Sub Day!* At Subway they have daily specials where you get a 6" sub, a bag of chips, and a drink for $3.99. For those of you who don't go to Subway every other day like I do, 6" subs usually cost around $3.50, so that's like paying $.49 for the chips and drink. What a deal!

But I did not mean for this to become a Subway ad. I merely bring it up because the Friday special is, of course, the tuna sub. And it is great. Here's how I make my tuna subs. I suggest you try it this way and let me know what you think.**

Ok, start with honey oat bread. This will provide a delightful sweetness to the sandwich. Plus it has whole grains, I think, so it makes me feel healthy. Add provolone cheese and have it toasted. I'm not eating any cold tuna sandwiches. That's nonsense. For the veggies I add lettuce, onions, and pickles. I used to do green peppers with the lettuce and onions, but I have decided that the pickles are superior. Now, this last bit is important. To make the sandwich spectacular, you mustn't neglect seasoning. Add salt, pepper, and grated parmesan, and then finish off with oil and vinegar to add flavor and a bit of moisture. And that's it. My perfect tuna sub. I urge you to try it, and also feel free to tell me about your favorite subs in the comments section.

Happy Tuna Sub Day, everyone!

*Actually, any day of the week can be TSD. I love tuna subs.
** But only if you like it. I don't want to hear you disparaging my favorite sub. Them's fightin' words.

My Early Artistic Aspirations

2011-08-10T14:10:00.001-04:00

My mother was cleaning out her office recently and found a picture I had drawn as a child. I was likely 6 or 7. And I was possibly deranged.

Note the diagram to indicate teeth clicking. In all my childhood drawings, I wanted to make it very clear what I was trying to portray. Clearly, here, I am portraying an evil, gay, earless dog. Who is clicking his teeth. For some reason.

Recommendation: Settlers of Catan

2011-08-07T14:39:00.001-04:00

I've mentioned before that my friends and I play a lot of board games. We are connoisseurs, you might say. We play obscure indie games made by Europeans and guys in basements. That is either very hipster or extremely nerdy. Probably the latter. But one game among the many has won a special place in our hearts. It is the game to which we always return when the others have ceased to entertain. It is one game to rule them all. It is THE SETTLERS OF CATAN!!

Imagine that last sentence as if it were said by this guy from Futurama. If you don't understand the reference, get on Netflix and watch the first episode. I command it!

Settlers, as we in the biz call it, is a German board game first published in 1995. The Wikipedia article about the game actually refers to it as a "German-style board game," which I had to further investigate, as I didn't realize that was a particular class of board game. Here's what that means:

German-style board games are a broad class of tabletop games that generally have simple rules, short to medium playing times, indirect player interaction and attractive physical components. The games emphasize strategy, play down luck and conflict, lean towards economic rather than military themes, and usually keep all the players in the game until it ends. German-style games are sometimes contrasted with American-style games, which generally involve more luck, conflict, and drama.

That definition applies pretty well to how Settlers works. Here's the idea: the board is made of hexagonal pieces that can be rearranged in myriad ways to form the "island of Catan."

Your basic board looks like this:

Here's what it looks like up close.

Basically, the object of the game is to gather resources and then use those resources to build settlements and cities, which earn you victory points. The first player to ten victory points wins. I could go into detail about the gameplay (how you get resources, how you build stuff), but I don't want to risk losing you. Suffice to say, despite the simplicity of the basic concept, this game always delights and amuses me. Because the board can be changed around in so many ways, it's always a slightly different game. And the game designers have made several expansions that change the gameplay just enough to add a little variety.

The best part of Settlers is that at any time you can try to trade resources with your fellow players. It forces you to work on your wheeling-and-dealing skills and adds dimension to the game, because although you are competing for dominance, many times you need something from your opponents in order to succeed.

In conclusion and in summary, Settlers of Catan is an awesome board game. But don't take my word for it. Find someone who owns it (or buy it yourself) and give it a try. You might not be convinced now, but after a couple games, I think you'll be a convert.

Recommendation: Cartoons

2011-07-29T02:24:00.000-04:00

Cartoons for adults are by no means a new phenomenon. As we all know, The Simpsons has been on the air for 73 years, and Family Guy, South Park, and Futurama enjoy wide-spread popularity. So I'm not going to talk about those shows. This week, I want to recommend some cartoons you may not have heard of yet but that you definitely check out. Each of the following is pretty unique, so hopefully everyone will enjoy at least one of them.

1. Ugly Americans (Comedy Central)

Ugly Americans is a show about life in the Big Apple. Living in New York is never boring, even more so because the world of the show is populated by both humans and monsters. Protagonist Mark Lilly is a social worker whose job is to help immigrants assimilate into American culture. And yes, those are immigrants of both the human and monster variety. His roommate is a zombie named Randall, and he has an on-again/off-again relationship with Callie, his boss, who is also the half-human/half-succubus daughter of the Devil. This is a recipe for comedic gold, my friends. The show also features a cast of wacky supporting characters. One of my favorites is Doug, a giant koala that never speaks and is usually crying. He's precious.

Ugly Americans currently airs on Comedy Central Thursday at 10:30pm after Futurama.

2. Archer (FX)

Archer has been described by its creator as Arrested Development meets James Bond. Not surprising, since three of the actors from Arrested Development (Jessica Walter, Jeffrey Tambor, and Judy Greer) do voice work for the show. Stirling Archer is an agent for ISIS, which stands for International Secret Intelligence Service. He works for his mother and alongside his ex-girlfriend Lana, her boyfriend Cyril the Comptroller (voiced by Chris Parnell), and a cadre of support staff with varying degrees of competence. Archer is pretty terrible to all of these people, particularly his butler Woodhouse, which gives the show a great deal of its comedic value. Stylistically, the animation is pretty minimalist (some might say, lazy)* and features styles and technology from a variety of time periods. For example, the clothing and hair styles tend toward 1960s fashions, and they use very outdated computers, but the characters also have access to cell phones and laser sights. Hilarious.

*A friend of mine once called the animators lazy after watching a scene that was simply several minutes of a shot of a door while the characters talked in the background. Maybe that was a stylistic choice. Or maybe they were being lazy. I'll let you decide.

Archer airs on FX and will return in September. You can watch the first season on Netflix Instant.

3. Regular Show (Cartoon Network)
This is a new one for me, and so far I've only seen a few episodes, but I think I'm a fan. While all the shows on this short list are bizarre in their own ways, Regular Show is probably the strangest. Its protagonists are a blue jay named Mordecai and a raccoon named Rigby, two 23-year-old friends who work as groundskeepers at a park. Their coworkers include a living gumball machine, a yeti, and a man shaped like a lollypop. The humor and animation style are reminiscent of Ren and Stimpy or Beavis and Butt-Head, and the show can get pretty surrealistic at times. But the episodes are short (only around 11 minutes each), and myself 23, I feel a sort of kinship to our heroes. Give it a shot. If you don't like it after three episodes, you've only wasted about 33 minutes.

Regular Show airs on Cartoon Network. The start date of the third season is currently unknown, but several episodes can be viewed on the YouTube.

Recommendation: Julie Slonecki

2011-07-25T20:16:00.002-04:00

This week's recommendation is a tad late, but cut me some slack. It was just released Friday, after all.

Friend-of-the-blog (and friend-of-the-blogger) Julie Slonecki is a gifted singer-songwriter who has just released her third self-produced album, Act Tough.

Act Tough has a little something for everyone. Slonecki's influences range from rock, folk, and country to jazz, big band, and even rap. The album features diverse instrumentation and a mix of upbeat and down-tempo tracks that you will find yourself humming long after the songs have ended. What's more, Slonecki's sultry voice, tight harmonies, and ability to record and mix her own albums show that she's more than just a pretty face.

Most of all, Act Tough demonstrates Slonecki's brilliant lyricism. Her words speak to feelings and experiences we all can share. In the album's first track, "Scary Song," she sings of the bitterness of a love that has been lost, not suddenly, but as a result of neglect and mutual apathy. However, in the folksy second track, "Terrible and Great," she reflects on the joy that comes with simply sitting with friends on a porch in western Virginia, finding home with people who make the minutes worthwhile. She sings of the concern that time passes too quickly but also determination not to let life pass her by. And when life gets too hard, she reminds us to act tough and push ahead.

You can buy Act Tough on iTunes and soon on Amazon.com and JulieSlonecki.com. And while you're at it, don't forget to check out Slonecki's first two full-length albums, Borders and Arguments for Love. You can sample a few tracks here.

Recommendation: The Judge John Hodgman Podcast

2011-07-14T17:43:00.013-04:00

Part of my goal with this blog has always been to share with you the reader things that I find funny, interesting, or otherwise enriching for your life. Therefore, in an effort to give the blog a little more structure (and to make sure that I continue to post regularly), I am introducing a new feature to the blog: Weekly Recommendations. Once a week I will review something I think is cool. It could be a book, a movie, an album, or even, like today's offering, a podcast.

You may know John Hodgman from his work on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart or as PC from the Mac and PC commercials. He is also a humor writer, former professional literary agent, and renowned fake judge.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org that invites real people to let John Hodgman mediate their disputes. Anyone can submit a dispute via email, and a few are selected to argue their case in front the Judge, swearing to abide by his ruling "no matter how odious it may be."

Listeners have brought forth cases that range from "Is the White Album good?" to "Which roommate should get the big room in the apartment?" and beyond. Several episodes of the podcast have featured disputes between married couples, but JJH has put a ban on such cases because he was accused of hosting a podcast version of The Marriage Ref.

In each of these cases, John Hodgman uses his natural eloquence, his immense intelligence, and his considerable fake expertise to reach a decision that is both fair and hilarious. He is joined by Bailiff Jesse Thorn, host of The Sound of Young America, and all 30 episodes of the podcast can be downloaded for free from iTunes. I have embedded one for your listening pleasure.

This case finally settles the age-old question: Are machine guns robots?

I should buy Happy Meals more often

2011-07-09T14:22:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week I got a Happy Meal from McDonald's. I could go into detail and try to justify this questionable culinary decision, but just suffice to say that I was hungry and I bought a Happy Meal.

When I ordered this meal, they asked, as they always have, whether the meal was for a boy or girl. Despite the fact that I could have gotten a Pokémon card if I had said "boy," I went with my natural inclination and said "girl." Now, as everyone knows, girls LOVE Barbies. So it makes sense that the girl toy for the Happy Meal would be Barbie-related. It does not make sense that the "Barbie-related toy" was this:

This is a Barbie styling bust. Or as I like to call it "Disembodied Barbie Head." The idea is that you use this comb to style the Barbie's hair.

Except, note that the Barbie doesn't really have enough hair to style in any significant way. And even if she did, the hair would go right back to the way it looked before anyway. You can't even change the side on which her hair is parted. You could put it in a tiny ponytail, but that would reveal this unfortunate aspect of Barbie's hairstyle:

The shaved underside of the hair is not a great look for her. But really, that pales in comparison to the horror that is her face, specifically the eyes and forehead.

The eyes have this sort of jeweled quality designed to make them look like real human eyes, something I really don't want my toys to have. It's a little too Chucky-esque in my opinion.

Then there's the fact that she has this terrible scar across her forehead that makes her look like a scalping victim. Or Chucky again, if you prefer.

What I'm saying is, I really think McDonald's and Mattel should have thought this through a little more. Because maybe I'm over-thinking this, but I think something like Deluxe Scalped Disembodied Child's Play Barbie Head could have a negative effect on little girls, when all they wanted was something fun to play with while they enjoyed their tiny cheeseburgers.

Not to mention the jealousy these girls are going to feel when they see their male counterparts having the time of their lives with those Pokémon cards.

Fun things to buy on the Internet

2011-06-30T11:14:00.003-04:00

I was stumbling around the Internet this evening, and I found the following Awesome Nerdy Things on Etsy.com. To give proper credit and in case you want these Awesome Nerdy Things for your very own, I will post links at the bottom of this post.

Translation: Haters gonna hate.

I can relate to this because, like Snow White, I am both trendy and pale as one who has never seen the Sun.


In case you don't know, this is a parody of a classic English poster.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/74909620/haters-gonna-hate-11x17-poster-print
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76675222/the-snow-white-nerd-decal-macbook-apple
http://www.etsy.com/listing/73579564/keep-calm-and-catch-em-all-print-12x18

Board Gaming

2011-06-26T21:14:00.001-04:00

Over the past year, my comrades and I have become big fans of board games. I considered writing a blog post about that, but I figured it would be boring (there's a pun in there somewhere). Instead, I will share with you this video. Enjoy. And check out some of olilord's other videos on YouTube. He's pretty funny.

Harry Potter Land!

2011-06-23T15:20:00.000-04:00

For my birthday last summer, my parents bought me a one-year pass to Universal Studios in Orlando, which, of course, meant a whole year of visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Islands of Adventure. I've been meaning to report on what it's like since last August, but I got distracted. Lucky for me, I happen to know that many of my friends have not yet had a chance to see Harry Potter Land, so I hope they (and you, dear reader) will appreciate my account of this -- for lack of a better word -- magical amusement park.

Actually, magical is the best word. Harry Potter Land is like the dreams of my youth come to life. To be honest, I'm still waiting for an owl to arrive and tell me Hogwarts is a graduate school,* but until then, I can wander through a winter wonderland in 90-degree Florida weather. Now if that's not magic, what is?

The whole experience was fantastic (or fantastical, whichever you prefer). For one, I drank Butterbeer! Much as I suspected, it tastes like cream soda (though perhaps a bit sweeter), but what made it really special was the foam they added to the top like the head of a real beer. The foam tasted like butterscotch. Delightful. Oh, and unlike real beer foam, this foam doesn't dissipate over time.

They also have a frozen variety, but it's not that great. The foam doesn't mix as well when the soda part has the consistency of an Icee. So then you just get a mouth full of cream. If you ever get a chance, Butterbeer may or may not be even better if you add rum. Though, as far as I know, they don't sell rum in the park, so you're going to have to make your own chances. Proceed with that at your own risk.

In addition to the Butterbeer vendors, they have Ollivander's, Honeydukes', and Zonko's joke shop, all of which were extremely crowded.

To sum up my first experience with the shops, allow me to quote a mother I overheard calling out to her husband: (said in a vaguely New Jersey-ish accent) "We're standing in line for a store... A STORE!" Everything is an attraction, so everything had a line. I'm no huge fan of queuing, but I understand; they had to control crowding in the shops somehow. I mean, come on, there were chocolate frogs! People were falling all over themselves to pay $10 for one. Upon my second visit, the crowds had thinned a little, but you can still expect lots of people to be there. After all, you can buy wands! And robes! And Remembralls!

The park has two roller coasters, both of which are basically renamed versions of roller coasters that already existed at Islands of Adventure. The new names are "Flight of the Hippogriff" and "Dragon's Challenge." The former is, euphemistically, "family friendly." The latter is the big, scary one with loops and whatnot. If you like that sort of thing, which I do, you should definitely ride it twice. The Dragon's Challenge is actually two separate roller coasters intertwined, so it seems like you could crash into the other track. It's great. And each track is slightly different, hence why you should ride it twice.

But the main attraction of Harry Potter Land is, of course, Hogwarts Castle.

The last time I was there, the line to get into Hogwarts was between 60 and 90 minutes long, but you can't visit Harry Potter Land without touring Hogwarts, can you? First off, the line is slightly shorter if you don't bring your bags, so ditch those at Hogsmeade station (next to the Hogwarts Express) before you get to the Castle. Otherwise, you'll be forced to wait in line to use a locker. Once you've gotten through the front door, the real line begins.

Yeah, it's long, but I already told you that. And on the bright side, it is shaded from the blistering Florida heat AND you get to see the Hogwarts greenhouse. After the bulk of your wait is over, you get to see the inside of the Castle. Here a few of the wonders you can expect to see:

Sorting hat

Weird interpretation of the House hourglasses

Talking portraits!

Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom

A griffin door. Get it?

You think that's cool? Wait! There's more! At the end of the tour is a ride! (Note: you can save a lot of time by going in the single riders line, which is to the left of the regular line when you first enter the castle, but if you take that option, you miss the tour entirely, so you can't do that until you've done the tour at least once. This is Hogwarts, for goodness' sake!)

I don't have pictures of the ride because I was, well, riding, but even if I did, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you. You need to see it for yourself. This ride was unlike any other I've ever ridden, except maybe the Spiderman ride at the same park, but even though I can make that comparison, the Harry Potter ride was unique.

It was like a roller coaster, but it moved in every direction: up, down, sideways, backwards. It was the Universal Studios equivalent of Willy Wonka's elevator. Visually, it was an amazing mix of giant 3D screens and animatronic wonders. You get to run from a dragon, fly around the Quidditch pitch, brave the Forbidden Forest, and more! I recommend riding it over and over again. Unless you have motion sickness; in which case, that sucks for you. You can always take the tour and skip the ride. That's still pretty good.

Well, that's about all I've got. I hope you've enjoyed this advertisement, paid for by Universal Orlando.** If you decide to make a trip to Orlando sometime in the next couple months, let me know. Maybe I could show you around the Wizard World of Harry Potter myself.

*Now that I'm going to grad school in Scotland, maybe my wish will come true, but more on that another time.
**In my dreams. Hopefully someone over there is reading.

write you back 9

2011-06-22T15:44:00.001-04:00

If you are a frequent reader of this blog, you probably know that I have a deep and abiding love of bad spam mail. I have been so vocal about this love, in fact, that one of my coworkers has taken to printing out her best spam emails for me. I have a real gem for you today, but first I want to encourage you to watch out if you have a Hotmail account.

I have one that I've been using since high school as a place where junk mail can be sent. It's probably not a surprise, then, that this fortress of internet security was hacked a couple of months ago. I was informed by several friends that they had received a spam message from "me" which sent me into a fevered rush of password changes. The following Monday, the coworker who prints out spam for me had also received this important message from "Kimber." Here's how it goes. See you if can tell that I didn't really write it.

Subject: write you back 9

I can not believe that it is so cheap and top quality.Why they have so many nice things.Please buy soon. [link]

For the record, the 9 was there exactly as I have typed it, spaces and all.

I don't think anyone I know was fooled into clicking the link. If you were, I'm sorry, but that's on you. To be fair, you were probably confused because "Why they have so many nice things" is one of my favorite things to say. I wonder if that was a question or an exclamation. Probably a question, but maybe I said it like, "Why, they have so many nice things!" Yeah, maybe it was a Polly Anna-esque indication of surprise. Anyway, that's all been cleared up, but be always vigilant, my friends. It could happen to you!

Now on to today's spam. This one comes from Nancy. Note that where I say "flower" there was actually a tiny picture of a flower in the email. I don't know how she did that. Nancy is very computer-savvy.

Greetings from Nancy (flower flower)
How are you today? and how about your health? hope fine and you are doing well, My Name is Nancy, I am looking for a very nice who the meaning of love, caring, honest, matured, understanding, and of good character, then after going via this search i pick interest in you.

So i will like you to write me with my E-mail address which is as follow, for me to tell you more about me, and as well give you my pictures because thanks Your New Friend
Miss Nancy (flower flower flower)

My favorite part is when she says "because thanks." Nancy wants to give me her pictures; no explanation needed! Also note that she is looking for "a very nice." Man? Woman? Gullible patsy? She isn't picky. Nancy's just looking for love. And how lucky I am that she pick interest in me!

Do not forget Wishing oh!

2011-06-21T10:13:00.008-04:00

Last week, one of my coworkers came into the office with something her husband had brought home from his trip to New York. I'll tell you what it is at the end of this post, but first, I want to you to take a look at the packaging for it. Based solely on the instructions and pictures, would you ever be able to figure out what this is? And even if you already know what this is, would you ever figure out how to use it properly using these instructions? I did know what it was, thanks to recent attention paid to this thing in pop culture, but these beautifully-translated instructions threw me for a loop. Take a look:

1. After the distribution of fuel to packaging equipment Kong

Cross wire in the side of the field again deduction presses

The fuel-pressure lock firmly.

2. A person Xu Yuan light take up a Top:

Another person fuel ignited the four angle.

3. Wait for that the heat enough light, lanterns person lest loose

A top hand,changes grips under the light to encircle, Has when

the lifting force may let go releases for flying.

4. Xu Yuan light rose slowly the sky, do not forget Wishing oh

Notice item:

1. Should choose at the option open, calm environment released

for flight.No fire ban in areas, the tall building the floor, and

so on have covers under the thing to release for flight, must leave

outside the airport 10 kilometers from flying.

2. Xu Yuan light can only be used for the distribution the

specal-purposeof fuel,prohibited by any burning Replace.

3. Xu Yuan light are on the rise, that of the flying, cannot the long

time not put, and the Flight not to be append the foreign body.

4. Children must be under the eustody of the adults use.

Apparently, this is called a Xu Yuan Light. You may know it better as a Sky Lantern or Wishing Lantern. They were featured at the end of The Hangover 2 and were a major plot point in Disney's Tangled. The people in this scene must have had better instructions than the ones above or they never could have pulled that off. For the record, Tangled was pretty good. I just saw it for the first time, and I was pleasantly surprised. I even have a couple of male friends who saw and enjoyed it, so maybe go check it out. Especially if you have free rentals from Blockbuster. And do not forget Wishing oh!

If you like Failbook and the Onion...

2011-06-20T11:03:00.002-04:00

Then you'll love Literally Unbelievable. This is a whole website dedicated to ridiculing people who are fooled by The Onion. As an avid reader of America's Finest New Source, it delights and amuses me to see them taken seriously on Facebook by people with bad spelling. I bet it delights and amuses The Onion as well.

If you are a fan of this bastion of journalistic excellence, you might also be interested in The Onion's Pulitzer campaign, spearheaded by AFAJP (Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes). Too long has The Onion been snubbed by the Pulitzer committee, and now fans of the publication are taking a stand. You can join the movement by uploading your own testimonial and signing AFAJP's petition.

Let not injustice continue to thrive!

This does not strike me as a sound business model.

2011-06-03T11:41:00.000-04:00

Now this is a business model:

What does not strike me as entirely sound is the new promotion my local Blockbuster is running. Four days ago, I went in to rent The American starring George Clooney (for the record, I would not recommend it). At the register, they charged me $2 (or however much Blockbuster is charging for movies these days; I think it changes weekly).

They then informed me that every movie I rented from then until July 4 would be a one-day rental, due back by midnight the next day. If I didn't return it by then, I would be charged a $0.99 late fee. And, oh yeah, every movie until July 4 is also free. What?! The movies are free, you say? Yup, every day for a month I can stroll into Blockbuster, pick any movie off the shelf that doesn't have a blue sticker on it, and go home with it without spending a dime. (The blue sticker means the movie came out in the past 6 weeks.) I don't even have to give them my Blockbuster card. I just bring back the old movie, say "I'm exchanging this," they scan it, and I go on my merry way.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But Kimber, surely there's a catch." Well if there is one, I haven't found it yet. Literally the only down side I can see is that if I don't get the movie back to the store in ~28 hours, I pay a dollar. One dollar. It's like Red Box prices, except freer, because I live 5 minutes from the Blockbuster and am capable of remembering to return a movie every day.

So basically I am being gifted approximately $60 in free movie rentals for the next month. And I'm not the only one. I'm pretty sure they're offering this to everyone in town! If they're hoping to make a living this way, I must say that [insert title of post here]. This sort of thing may be why they recently filed for bankruptcy and were bought at auction by Dish Network.

Here's the thing, though: last night when I went in to rent Alien Resurrection (don't judge me, it was free), the place was packed. And while all those people were definitely cashing in on free rentals, they were also rifling through the 5-for-$20 movie bin and purchasing 1/2-price clearance toys. The free rentals got people into the store when Netflix and Red Box were keeping them away. And like me, they have to keep coming in every day until July to get the most for their non-money. And that new bin full of $0.99 movies is starting to look pretty attractive. So maybe it's not such a bad plan, after all.

I took the leap.

2011-05-19T23:08:00.000-04:00

I didn't get a lot of feedback about whether or not to join the Twitter, and what feedback I did get was pretty evenly split, so I had to make the decision on my own. It was tough. I really wrestled with it. It was like I was Jacob and Twitter was the angel, and in the end, Twitter dislocated my hip or something.

Anyway, my point is, I did join Twitter, and I would be honored if you follow me on it. (There is a convenient new gadget on the right of your screen where you can click.) My Twitter name is kwigglytuff. Because my nickname is kwiggly (or quigley) and I may or may not still play Pokémon as an adult. It was gonna be kwigglypuff, but that was taken. So I had to adapt. And evolve.

If you Follow me, I pledge to do my best to post only things you might actually want to read. I will try to keep my posts about what I'm having for lunch and where I am at any given moment to a minimum. No more than ten times a day. I promise!

A Reader Survey

2011-05-15T19:05:00.002-04:00

Should I be on the Twitter?

For the past couple of years, I have been pretty vehemently opposed to the Twitter. Lately, however, I wonder if I am missing out by not being on it. What do you think, gentle readers? Should I tweet?

IKEA, Bringer of Madness

2011-05-05T19:40:00.003-04:00

A while back, an IKEA store opened less than an hour from my home in Central Florida. The arrival of the store seemed a harbinger for great things to come. The dawn of the age of Swedish-made, do-it-yourself furniture was upon us, and I, for one, was excited. Since that day, I had dreamed of visiting this Mecca of organizational tools, but I had not had the opportunity. Until a few months ago...

One morning, quite unexpectedly, my mother announced a trip to IKEA and asked if I would like to join her on this sojourn. My friend Joe had a pretty nice IKEA couch, so my parents and I set out most optimistically, looking forward to the wonders promised by this new retail center.

Upon our arrival, however, I knew something was wrong. Any store that requires a map to navigate is questionable, but a store that only has one path you can follow and still provides the map, is downright suspicious. It's as if they're maliciously taunting you with your lack of options. They're saying, "Here is the way you will travel through our store." On the other hand, maybe they're trying to offer hope in the form of the map. If you can see where you are in the scheme of things, you know that it will end at some point. I don't know, but it worried me.

Now, I don't know about other IKEA stores, but the way this one is set up, you have to ride the escalator up to the second floor first, then you work your way through that floor, and then you come back down to the first floor and the check-out. There isn't even a way to get to the first floor merchandise from the store entrance without a copy of the Marauder's Map to show you the secret passageways.

With no other options before us, we ascended to the second floor and got our first look at the IKEA merchandise. To say I was overwhelmed would be like saying Hitler was kind of a jerk or Mount Everest is big. The thing about IKEA is that everything is for sale. Everything. The whole second floor is set up as a series of model rooms: bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens, offices. And every part of every room is purchasable. Not only the furniture and the lamps but the stuff in the drawers and on the shelves. And the drawers and the shelves.

But you don't just grab stuff and carry it with you. Each item is marked with a tag that identifies the item by number and, for some reason, a Swedish proper name, as if all this merchandise is sentient and demands to be called by its given name.

The fake rooms seemed to continue indefinitely, and there were scores of people milling about in them. I suddenly began to feel overly warm. Everywhere I looked was a different dining room set or stack of storage containers. It was all slightly different and yet overwhelmingly the same. How could one ever choose when confronted with fifty-three different end tables that all look vaguely like this:

You can't. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You think you're a reasonable, decisive human being, an individual capable of choosing your own destiny. And then suddenly you look at yourself in a Swedish mirror, and the you you knew is gone, and all you see a mindless drone, shuffling like a zombie through a world of fake homes. Your eyes, once bright and full of hope, have taken on a hunted look, and you wonder if you will ever escape and if anything will ever seem real again.

Such was the horror I felt that day as the mindless hoard, choosing to be static in the thoroughfare, blocked every path and the fake walls began closing in.

Also, I may have started hyperventilating.

When we finally descended to second circle of Hell-- I'm sorry, I meant the ground floor of the store. I get them confused. When we finally descended to the ground floor of the store, the sheer volume of products became completely overwhelming. Gone were the carefully set-up rooms, gone was the semblance of order and comfort, and in their place, bins. Bins upon bins upon bins of things. Anything and everything you could imagine or would rather not. As overwhelmed as I felt, I might have ventured into this pit of stuff were it not for this sign:

I'm fairly certain IKEA was threatening me, and at that point, an acute fear for my life overcame any lingering desire I might have had to complete my circuit of the store.

I wanted out, but IKEA is not keen on letting you leave without seeing everything they have to sell you. Luckily, my ever-resourceful mother found an "emergency exit" and an employee who was willing to open it for us. I tell you that she had to open it for us, not because it might have set off a fire alarm but because the door was LOCKED, making it unusable in the event of an actual emergency.

This door led back to the main lobby, and at last, we were free to go.

On the way out I grabbed an IKEA catalog. Because really, in the end, who can resist the allure of inexpensive, do-it-yourself furniture? And if I ever decide to go back there, you can bet your life I'm going prepared.

Don't supersize me, bro! Or, Why is my Icee so big?

2011-04-23T01:21:00.001-04:00

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So you guys remember the McDonald's Supersize? If you grew up in the 90s, I'm sure you do, and you may even have been under the impression that it had been around forever. Actually, it was first introduced in 1993 as part of a Jurassic Park promotion. It was called "Dino-size." After the promotion ended, they decided to keep it around, thus beginning a decade of outrageous overeating.

You also may recall a 2004 film called Supersize Me. This film created a storm of public awareness about fast-food that, many believe, led to McDonald's phasing out their 42-ounce sodas and 7-ounce bags of French fries.

I bring all this up because recently I ordered an Icee at a movie theater concession stand. They gave me the option of "small" or "large." I decided to get the large so I could share. It was rather big. To say the least.

This is no trick photography, dear readers. That Icee is indeed larger than my head. So I can't help but wonder, in an age where fast-food restaurants are trying to offer "healthier" options and Subway is the fastest growing fast-food chain, where Jamie Oliver is a food revolutionary and McDonald's was essentially shamed into removing the Supersize from their menu, how are movie theaters still selling gigantic sodas and bags of popcorn? And why, oh God why, are we willing to pay so damn much for them?

That "large" Icee and a "small" popcorn cost me $12.75. I may be dating myself, but I remember a time when two people could get drinks, popcorn, and movie tickets for less than that. Also, you could get candy, an ice cream sundae, and a foot massage for an upcharge of just $1.23. I may be misremembering this a tad, but you catch my drift. Maybe in the age of Netflix Instant and them fancy DVR machines actually going to the movie theater has become more of an event, making moviegoers willing to pay more as part of the experience. Or maybe, more likely, they know we are all addicted to buttery popped corn and frozen Coca-Cola and giant screens and they are going to make us pay both arms and our left legs for the privilege of having those things. I would be angry and rail against the capitalist machine, but it's stimulating the economy, right?

So my boyfriend and I paid a total of $32.25 to see Hanna. Wait, did I type that right? Oh jeez. I really wish I hadn't done the math on that. Screw the economy. I should've waited for it to be available on Netflix Instant.

A picture is worth... I don't know. Somethin'.

2011-04-21T18:31:00.003-04:00

"Have we considered the possibility that doctors don't know how to use umbrellas?"

2011-04-06T10:08:00.005-04:00

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against doctors. I appreciate what they do and am sure that most of them can use umbrellas without incident.

I have a couple of work anecdotes from yesterday.

The first involves the extremely tedious and time-consuming task I did for most of the morning. For those of you just joining us, I work for a promotional products company. We sell hats, cups, pens, shirts, etc. Pretty much anything our customers want their logo on, we can get it for them.

Well, we recently sold a bunch of umbrellas to some doctors. Some fancy gift or other. They were nice big umbrellas with a button that opens and closes them, but we had some complaints that the open/close buttons did not work. So, because we have good customer service, my boss took the umbrellas back to have someone (i.e. me) test them.

This was not a difficult task by any means, but after opening each umbrella, I had to repackage it in not one but two protective sleeves. I did about fifty umbrellas and it took me nearly three hours. And get this. They. All. Worked. We had two that were defective. Possibly the very two that caused the complaint in the first place. I have to hope that they tried more than two before claiming they were broken.

So I can't help but think, maybe they were doing it wrong? I don't know. Doesn't seem possible, but there's that old truth that sometimes the smartest people lack basic common sense. Or the ability to open and close an umbrella. With a button.

A functional umbrella

Two protective sleeves

My other work anecdote for the day is about another sweet junk email one of my co-workers received. This one is not poetic by any means. It is a straight-up scam, but I love the way it was executed. Read for yourself:

ATTENTION: MADAM
Our Ref: 423/909 Date: 4th April 2011
RECONCILIATION / REMITTANCE COMMITTEE

I am assigned by the President, Federal republic of Nigeria , Dr. Goodluck Jonathan to look into the plight of foreigners who were dupe in the cause of retrieving their money from Nigeria . This action taking by His Excellency is born out of enormous complain from foreigner complaining that they were dupe out of their hard earn money by some unscrupulous Nigeria in pretends of helping them.
His Excellency decided to take action on the issue because of the embarrassing status that that has cost this country internationally.
It was on that note that I was drafting in to look into the issue and subsequent recommend further actions to the federal government, however, according to his Excellency, those who genuinely carry out authentic contracts in this country without being paid will be paid immediately. Those that their money was not release from the commercial Banks for one reason or another will also be release. Furthermore, I want to advice that, you get all the necessary documents ready as we will ask of it before any action could be taken.
Do sent your reply to me immediately for further action
Yours truly,
Mahmud Yayale Ahmed
Secretary to the Government
Federal Republic of Nigeria .

That was sent by the Secretary to the Government, so you know it's legit. I love that they think that by piggy-backing off the old Nigerian prince scam, they can trick people into being scammed in exactly the same way. The brilliance of it is that it only targets people who fell for the original scam and are, thus, exponentially more likely to fall for this one than someone who doesn't make a habit of sending all their financial information to strangers over the internet. Most people will see through it immediately, but you're always going to have people that go, "Yeah, I want my money back. President Goodluck is such a nice guy for doing that for me."

So if you or anyone you know lost some money in the Nigerian prince scam, you can contact mariotorres@interclan.net (<-- the address from which this email was sent). I'm sure he'll help you with that.

On an unrelated note, I really like this Adele CD. And I try not to hold it against her that she is only two months older than I and already has two Grammys.

The Apocalypse is coming

2011-04-01T11:34:00.002-04:00

If you live in Central Florida you have probably spent much of yesterday talking about the weather. Apparently, it's big news even outside the area because I've had friends and family from out-of-state call to make sure we're ok. For the record, I'm fine, but I'm forced to compose this on my phone by candlelight because our electricity has been out since noon yesterday. There's no telling when it may be back. At least it afforded me the opportunity to take this pretty picture:

Photography aside, though, it was a pretty scary day for weather. Having lived here my whole life, I've seen my share of stomrs, mostly in the form of hurricanes. My junior year of high school we lost about a month of class when three hurricanes in a row pelted the area. But despite the destruction and loss of electricity that came with those incidents, yesterday's storm seemed worse, perhaps because of how sudden and violent it was.

The morning was pretty bleak, and it was obvious rain was coming (we've had thunderstorms all week), but it was no worse than I had seen in the past couple days. Around 11:30 or noon, though, everything changed.

I was chatting with my aunt, who had stopped by to say hello, and as I glanced over her shoulder, I saw that outside, which ten minutes before had been overcast and rainy but not inordinately so, was now pitch black. The streetlights were all on, and I swear it was as if night had fallen in the space of five minutes. I'm sorry to say I didn't get a picture of that, but another five minutes later I wouldn't have been able to anyway because sideways rain began hitting our windows, obscuring everything outside. Said windows began to rattle, our lights began to flicker, and then we heard the unmistakable sound of hail. It was around that time that I decided to text several of my friends that the apocalypse had come, and my friend Joe confirmed in his response that he had seen three of the four horsemen. One of my co-workers felt compelled to leave her desk during this period, as she sits in front of a large bank of windows. I didn't blame her. And then, after another ten minutes, it was basically over, where we were anyway.

The rain, thunder, and lightning continued all night and there were reports of tornados all over the county. Driving home after work, I saw limbs down and debris everywhere. To make matters worse, this week is the annual Sun n' Fun Fly-In, an airshow and exhibition that brings plane enthusiastists from all over to the area. As you can imagine, winds powerful enough to create tornados and bring down oak trees did not bode well for a bunch of planes sitting out on the tarmac of the Lakeland Airport. Here's one of many pictures of the destruction:

Yes, that plane is upside-down. The worst report I heard was that a hanger at the Fly-In had collapsed, trapping 70 people. Luckily, that turned out to be inaccurate. It's amazing how rumors can be augmented. It was actually a tent that collapsed, injuring 7. Still not good, but less disastrous than what the initial news reports told us. Silly news reports.

Anyway, from what I hear, 2,000 people were/are without electricity. The storm really wreaked havoc on power lines. Yet, for some reason, my friend Jonny didn't lose power. That wouldn't be weird except that he lives on the other side of my neighborhood. What the hey, Lakeland Electric? I hope it comes back on today. Reading by candlelight is not as romantic as it sounds when you start getting headaches from eye strain.

Oh, and no, this is not my idea of an elaborate April Fool's prank. Hehe, wouldn't that be great, though? How did I convince someone to flip a plane upside-down just for that picture? Oh, Kimber, you're such a scamp.

Well well, sixteen Russian

2011-03-29T09:33:00.003-04:00

I received another gem of a spam email today. I figure this must be a technique of getting junk mail past spam filters, but I prefer to think that crazy people are composing these messages.

From: Jackson Mcgillicuddy
Subject: Well well, sixteen Russian

Body:
[a link that I will not reproduce here]
Hear it occurred to call upon. Said pott with large room Gabriel grub was carried away. Stop in every night before. ovodpkxg
Winkle trembling with such thing. Because they seemed rather think. Samuel slumkey hall and contented himself

I think this might be inspiration for a poem. Actually, it may already be a poem. I can totally see it. That's some deep stuff. Clearly Gabriel Grub is a metaphor for man's sense of purpose. That he is "carried away" is a symbol of the directionless ebb and flow of modern society. Samuel is obviously the prophet Samuel who anointed King David, but in the contemporary world there are no more poet-kings in whom he can put his faith, so he contents himself with an existence of slumping through halls, ever in search of a bygone age.

Yeah, I'm practicing for grad school. I think I'll be fine.

*UPDATE* Upon further research I discovered that Gabriel Grub and Samuel Slumkey are both characters from Dickens's The Pickwick Papers. This opens up whole new avenues for analysis.

Fun with camera effects

2011-03-23T20:44:00.003-04:00

Because the phrase "self-indulgent blog post" is beautifully redundant, I'm using today's post to show off my iPhone photo taking/editing skills. Marvel at how hipster I am!

The world's most pretentious night stand:

Thanks to the magic of photo editing, this overly dark picture,

can become this overly creepy picture:

Huzzah!

And finally, an attempt at making a photograph of myself with

a head massager on my face look kind of like a Chuck Close painting:

The Final Countdown!

2011-03-19T11:11:00.001-04:00

Yesterday at work I was listening to Pandora - as you know I am wont to do - and I was invited (by an ad) to listen to 5-Hour Energy's "Get Up and Go" station. It's all pump-up songs to get you moving and excited. Also to keep you awake at work, I wager. The first few numbers were of the pop hip-hop genre. Then they played one of the greatest pump-up songs ever: "The Final Countdown" by Europe. If you haven't heard it, GTFO. No, no, I'm joking. I will post it below for both newbies and seasoned listeners alike.

Many of you will recognize it as Gob's theme song from Arrested Development. But I wonder how many of you have ever actively listened to the lyrics of this little ditty. It's clearly about space travel, that much I understand. The "countdown" of the title most likely refers to the countdown before lift-off. Okay, that's fine. But when you really listen to the verses, you start to realize that English is not Europe's first language. (They're Swedish.) And then you start to wonder how they came up with the words that make up "The Final Countdown." Maybe they thought these words sounded good in succession. Maybe they knew these words all had something to do with space travel. Maybe they had a really bad translator. I don't know. It seems like they're going for something deep, but it's not coming across.

Listen carefully to the lyrics, and you be the judge. Keep in mind: you will accept these words at first as making sense because grammatically it works, but then think about what they're saying and tell me if the story of the song means anything, particularly the part about Venus and a previously-unmentioned female character. I say it means nothing. But then again, so do a lot of songs. It's still epic. I just wanted to bring this to your attention. Enjoy.

Happy Pi Day!

2011-03-15T08:58:00.005-04:00

Dear readers, yesterday was 3.14, or more popularly, Pi Day. To celebrate, I decided to make a blueberry pie. The following chronicles my epic journey to pie greatness.

To start, I had been craving blueberry pie for a couple weeks, ever since my dad made one for a family dinner we had at our house. I was excited about the pie, but because he opted to go for pre-made pie filling, the end result left something to be desired. We have great blueberries in Florida right now, so after I got off work yesterday, I popped down to my local Publix and picked up a couple pints and some pie crusts. Also I got some blueberries. Hyuck hyuck.

Back home, I assembled my ingredients, which were surprisingly few.

That, for the record, amounts to:
4 cups fresh blueberries
3/4 cup sugar
2 pie crusts
3 tablespoons corn starch
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
A little bit of butter, to be used at the end

I mixed the dry ingredients together and then coated the blueberries with the mixture.

Next I poured all that into the bottom pie crust and dotted with butter. (I eye-balled that.)

Ok, here comes the tricky part. The recipe told me to make a lattice for the top crust, but on how I was to accomplish this feat, the recipe was frustratingly silent. Thanks to the trusty Internet, however, I found a way. I won't go into detail on how I did it. You can follow the link if you're interested, but here's a picture of the crust I sliced for it.

Lattice complete, I decided to brush the top with an egg wash - 1 egg, beaten, mixed with 1 tablespoon sugar - to help the top get pleasantly browned. That was my creative contribution to this product.

Then I baked it at 425 degrees for about 45 minutes. The recipe called for 50, but the egg wash browned that sucker pretty fast. The end result was a thing of beauty.

Immediately after it came out of the oven, this thing was bubbling like a pit of lava, so naturally, I videotaped it. Listen close to hear me whispering to the pie and telling my mom to be quiet so you can hear it bubble.

YouTube Video

Finally, here are some progress shots from my consumption of this masterpiece.

I invited some friends over, and all agree, Pi Day was a rousing success. Jealous? How about after I tell you that I ate the second piece with ice cream? Yeah, I thought so.

My problem with Pandora

2011-03-01T10:57:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me say that I am a huge fan of Pandora Radio. If you don't use Pandora, you probably should. Though, apparently, you can use it too much. I have a friend who recently was told by the site that she had exceeded her monthly usage. Didn't know that was a thing. Be that as it may, I love being able to make my own radio station that will play music I like and introduce me to new bands. I have it constantly playing during the four hours I spend at work each morning.

But I have one major problem with it: the ads. I'm not saying the presence of ads bothers me. I understand why they're there, and I'm not willing to pay a monthly fee to have them go away, so I tolerate having my music interrupted occasionally by 30-second spots. What I wish, though, is that I could somehow decide which ads I get. You know how Hulu occasionally asks you whether the ad is relevant to you? I want that. Because when I'm a receptionist in the front room of my parents' office, I don't want loud advertisements for Trojan's new Fire and Ice Condoms suddenly blasting from my computer. The worst was the two weeks before the movie No Strings Attached came out. Promos for that movie played constantly on Pandora, and about two seconds into it, Natalie Portman practically shouted, "Do you want to use each other for sex?" That does not sound good to passers-by, clients, tenants, the people I'm talking to on the phone, or particularly, my parents. Doesn't Pandora realize that people listen to this at work? Can't they have nice ads for things like office supplies or vitamins? Is that too much to ask?

New habits!

2011-02-15T09:35:00.001-05:00

Hello, friends! Once again I have been slacking on my blogging duties because once again I am traveling - DC, Lexington, and Tennessee again. In DC I spent a great day with my mother visiting the Newseum. If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. Just plan on spending a couple of days. You have to pay to get in, but your admission is good for two days, and there is definitely two days' worth of stuff in there.

I can tell you more on that later, but right now, I wanted to write a quick post about a website one of my friends told me about yesterday.

Did you know that it takes 21 days to form a new habit? I learned that statistic from HabitForge.com, a website designed to help you do just that. You register for the site and then create a new habit you want to form. (Mine is to write creatively for at least 10 minutes a day. It's ok to start small.) Then everyday the site sends you an email asking if you were successful at accomplishing your goal the day before. You click yes or no and then go on with your day. For each day you answer yes, you get one day added toward your 21. However, when you answer no, the timer resets. It will keep resetting until you can do that thing for 21 days in a row. And then voila! You've got a spiffy new habit.

With the free version of the site you can only have one active habit at a time, but you can pay $10 for a year's subscription. If this first habit gets formed okay, I might sign up. I'll keep you posted on that.

Anyway, it seems like a worthwhile endeavor, and I hope some of you will reap positive life benefits from it.

Here are some more habit ideas to get you started:

Exercise at least 20 minutes each day
Study for standardized test at least 30 minutes each day
Write one page of thesis each day
Read at least 2 chapters of a book each day
Study a new language for an hour each day
Walk a mile each day
Stop biting your nails (this works for breaking habits too)

The possibilities are endless. Just decide what you keep meaning to do and try it out. I'd be interested to hear the results of other people's attempts.

The Beauty of Nature

2011-02-03T09:12:00.000-05:00

So if you've seen me in person in the past week, I've probably shown you the following picture. But as most of you do not live anywhere near me, chances are you haven't seen it yet, so I will present it to you now.

I was sitting at Starbucks of an evening, and it had just rained, so water droplets were pooling on the outside tables. I was absently looking at these droplets when I noticed that one had formed into a shape. An awesome shape. Let me emphasize that this formed naturally and I just captured it on my camera phone. Check it out:

I'm considering doing some cool Photoshop-y things to it, like increasing the contrast and changing the colors, but I think it's pretty cool as-is.

Work Anecdote of the Day

2011-01-28T15:15:00.003-05:00

Last night I came up with the best idea for a blog post. It was clever and funny, and I even came up with a few pithy turns of phrase before I fell asleep. And of course, I wrote none of it down, certain I would remember in the morning. Nope. It's gone. Oh well.

So instead you get an anecdote that isn't really an anecdote. It's more of a question. Today I was contemplating the keyboard at my computer, and I was wondering, can anyone tell me what this button is for?

In what possible way could this button make my keyboard become "turbo"? I'm a bit afraid to push it. Are flames going to come out? Or does it just make my typing super fast?

Facts about Expedia

2011-01-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

Back in December I was trying to work out my post-Christmas travel plans, which involved flying from Florida to Baltimore to Denver and then back to Florida. There were a lot of moving parts, and I had already booked a roundtrip flight from Florida to Baltimore and back, so I decided to actually call Expedia to see about flight cancellations and the like.

Well, I made the mistake of putting this call off until I simply couldn't postpone it anymore, so I ended up being forced to call just after the blizzard that cancelled so many flights and disrupted so many travel plans. As a result, I was on hold with Expedia for an hour and twenty-seven minutes. And I faithfully waited because I needed to talk to those people.

When the waiting began, I paid little attention to the pop songs playing in the background, though I was grateful for their choice not to play generic Muzak. After a while, however, I began to notice a few things about the song selection. Here is what I learned:

First, Expedia is under the false impression that are you only going to wait on hold for about 30 minutes. I came to this conclusion because they only chose eight songs to comprise their Hold music. After those eight songs played, they started over again. I heard each song at least three times.

Second, and more importantly, Expedia thinks it's really clever to play songs that have to do with travel. Check out this sampling of titles: "I'm Coming Home," "Sail Away" (by Enya), "Leaving on a Jet Plane," "Fly Like an Eagle", and "Sail Away" (by David Gray). It took a little while for me to see the pattern, mostly, as I said, because I wasn't really listening to the first few songs.

Now, don't get me wrong, that's not a bad gimmick to amuse annoyed customers on hold. But I will tell you, the second time in forty minutes that you are required to listen to "Sail Away" by Enya, it becomes A LOT less cute. Maybe if they had more than eight songs I could laud their efforts at having a theme, but I had a radio show back in college, and if I had tried to get away with playing the same eight songs for over an hour, I would not have had a show for long. And if you're thinking, "But Kimber, the travel theme is hard!", then I counter with the following:

"Goodnight, Travel Well" - The Killers
"Bruised" - Jack's Mannequin
"Information Travels" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Leaving" - Josh Ritter
"Say Goodbye to Hollywood" - Billy Joel
"I'm Safer On an Airplane" - Copeland
"Ohio (Come Back to Texas)" - Bowling for Soup
"Godspeed" - Jenny Lewis
"If You Leave Me Now" - The Bee Gees
"Leaving for Paris No. 2" - Rufus Wainwright
"She's Leaving Home" - The Beatles
"You're Never Gone" - Sara Routh
"Snakes On a Plane" - Cobra Starship et. al.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Step it up, Expedia.

Oh, and the result of my hour and a half on hold? A very pleasant woman with a foreign accent told me that the only thing I could do was to book new flights from Baltimore to Denver to Florida and just not show up to my return flight from Baltimore to Florida. Thanks. I could have done that without waiting on hold for half the morning. But then this post would have no content.

The Good Daughter

2011-01-14T15:20:00.000-05:00

For you to truly understand the excitement surrounding this post, I must first provide a little background.

In the 2008-2009 school year, my university decided to hire a new English professor, and a few select English majors were asked to participate in this process. Each of the three candidates gave a sample class, where we the students acted as, well, the students, and the department faculty observed the candidates' teaching style. Since the candidates were being hired to teach creative writing, they each also did a reading of their own writing while on campus.

I attended all three sample classes. The class given by the final candidate clearly stood out, which motivated me to attend her reading later that afternoon, an honor I did not see fit to bestow on the other two candidates (because my time is just so very important). At that reading, I got my first taste of Jasmin Darznik's The Good Daughter. The small bit she read was absolutely captivating, and since that afternoon, I have waiting on pins and needles for the release of the whole book.

Jasmin ended up being hired by the department (of course), and I had the pleasure of taking her creative writing course (she is a great teacher) and hearing a bit more of the book from her lips. And now, finally, after two years of waiting, IT HAS ARRIVED. It sits on the table next to me as I type, and as soon as I publish this post and then link it Facebook, I will be cracking it open.

You too can have a copy of this tome. I urge you to check it out. If the parts I've heard are any indication (as I'm sure they are), this book is going to be phenomenal.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-14T15:09:00.000-05:00

Hello again, gentle readers! Happy 2011! I realize I am a bit late with my new year wishes, but I have been off having adventures.

I rang in the New Year with some of my college buddies at a bay house in Prince Frederick, MD overlooking the Chesapeake Bay. It was a great time, but I won't go too much into the shenanigans so as not to embarrass anyone, mainly myself. We also spent the days surrounding New Year's kicking around Vienna, VA. It's a nice place, Vienna.

That trip to my old stomping grounds (sort of) took up December 29 - January 4 and then on the 4th, I flew out to Denver to meet up with three of my high school friends for several awesome days of skiing in the Rockies. We spent the first two days and nights at Winter Park and then the rest of the time in Steamboat Springs. Overall I think I liked the vibe at Winter Park better. It was a little more low-key, and I had the distinct feeling I had been there before. I still can't confirm, but I think when I went skiing for three days in high school we were at Winter Park. Hmm... Anyway, Steamboat had better runs, but there were sooooo many people. It got overwhelming.

As for the skiing itself, I'm not bad. I took a few falls. Although, most of them were while standing still. Embarrassing? Extremely. I blame all the exertion. My legs were just tired, man. And then they stopped working. It happens. Despite the exhaustion and falling and whatnot, I had a fantastic time, both with the actual skiing and just hanging out with my dear friends.

I'm glad to be back in Florida, however, and I'm looking forward to making the most of this year. Hope the first two weeks of 2011 have treated you well!

Best Work Email of the Day

2011-01-13T10:47:00.001-05:00

Subject: Order VICODIN Online - Best Cheap Price!

Message: Buy Vicodin Online Without Prescription - Cheap VICODIN

Yes, that sounds like a really good deal for fine, upstanding citizens who are looking for safe, affordable pain management. Sign me up!

What is passion Gang?

2011-01-12T08:59:00.001-05:00

Friends, welcome back. Sorry it's been so long. I've been off having adventures. A longer post will follow today or tomorrow, but I thought I'd bring you a little Wednesday amusement in the form of an email I received at my work address.

I have changed nothing. Here is the email in its entirety:

Subject: Hello, detective plentiful. Here is Elton

Message: Charge yourself for passion Gang. Murmured the proceedings of laughter ovodpkxg.

A what? Ponder that one as you make your way through the day.

Puerto Rico: Totally Inappropriate

2010-12-28T10:36:00.002-05:00

For Christmas, one of my friends received a board game called Puerto Rico, which we broke out last night. It's one of those resource-gathering games, not unlike Settlers of Catan, another game to which I was recently introduced.

The game itself is pretty entertaining once you get into it, but I have just one major qualm.

Basically, the game involves settling "Puerto Rico" by building "plantations" and then bringing "colonists" (represented by little brown discs) over from the "Old World" on the "colonist ship" to work your plantations.

Totally inappropriate?

Yes.

Merry Holiday, everybody!

2010-12-27T09:36:00.001-05:00

Well, the presents have been opened, the massive amounts of food eaten, and the eggnog... drunken? Yes, perhaps. Christmas seemed to come and go so fast. I was frantically working on getting things ready up until the moment it happened, and then it was all over and all that's left is the clean-up.

But to continue in the spirit of the holidays, I present to you a Christmas post, just a bit late.

First, to explain today's politically correct title, here is a transcription of one of my favorite SNL Christmas sketches. I wanted to present you with a video, but it is not to be found on the internet. Not by me, anyway. If anyone can find a copy (preferably non-virused), I would be much obliged. But here's that transcription, and I hope that while reading it, you will imbue it with all the comedy of the original.

12/03/05
Tree Re-Lighting Special
Al Roker.....Kenan Thompson
Megan Mullally.....Kristin Wiig
Harry Connick, Jr.....Jason Sudeikis
Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond
Singers.....rest of cast

(open on Al Roker, Megan Mullally and Harry Connick, Jr. standing in front of a Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Al Roker: Welcome back! It’s a great night out here in Rockefeller Center again. Isn’t it, Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Sure is, Al. And it was great out here last Wednesday, when we lit the tree for the first time.

Megan Mullally: Ya know, tonight, just for fun, we’re gonna turn it off. And then we’re gonna light that sucker right back up again! Hahahaha! It’s either this or four “Earls” in a row.

Harry Connick, Jr.: I tell you, this is my favorite place to be at Christmas time.

Al Roker: You mean “Holiday-Time,” don’t you Harry?

Harry Connick, Jr.: Oops. That’s right. Merry Holiday everybody! Ya know, some people enjoy Christmas songs, Hanukah songs, or even Kwanzaa songs. But everyone can enjoy a holiday song.

Al Roker: So in the spirit of diversity and fear, please welcome the NBC Peacock Singers with and all-inclusive Holiday medley for everyone.

(To SINGERS. Lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen)

Singers: (To the tune of “Silent Night”)
"Silent night,
Regular night
All is calm,
All is bright.
Round the fire
Mother and child
Random infant
Religiously neutral
Sleep in comfortable beds
Sleep in comfortable beds."

Horatio Sanz: (To the tune of “Away in a Manger”)
"Away in a barn box
No bib for their lunch
The donkey and camel
On straw they will munch."

Will Forte: (falsetto)
"The stars in the sky
Shine down ‘cuz it’s night
The lamb and that donkey just got in a fight."

Megan Mullally: (To the tune of “O Holy Night”)
"Oh, Tuesday night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
To watch TV and play cards."

Harry Connick, Jr.:
"Fall on your knees
And do a jigsaw puzzle
Just stay inside
Just stay inside
Tonight
It’s half-past nine."

Megan Mullally:
"Just stay inside."

Harry Connick, Jr. & Megan Mullally:
"Feelin’…..fine."

Megan Mullally: Fine, yeah. Now to narrate the story of the birth of the Holiday, please welcome Mr. Donald Trump.

(To TRUMP in front of Rockefeller Center backdrop)

Donald Trump: Thank you Will and Grace. This place is really snazzed up. I gotta say, of the non-Trump buildings in New York, this property has a whole lotta flash, and it really screams out “Merry Christmas.” (Looking offstage) What? I can‘t say Christmas? Who made that rule? Well what about Chanukaha? (Pronounces it “Cha-nook-a-huh”) I can’t say that? What about Kwanzoo? That’s just great. Alright, Let’s crank this thing out. There were shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night. Then a civil representative of the town came up to them and said “Here’s the thing-a baby had been born to a lady of undeterminate ethnicity and/or religious affiliation. You’ll find he or she is wrapped in clothes, looking really classy, and lying in a barn box.” What the hell is a barn box? Y’know what? The end. Fa-la-fa-la. Fa-la-la-la. The Apprentice (Grins)

(Back to AL/MEGAN/HARRY and SINGERS)

Al Roker, Megan Mullally, Harry Connick, Jr.: Happy Holiday everybody!

All: (To the tune of Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus")
"How ya doin?
How ya doin?
How ya doin?
I’m doin just fine!"

(spoken) "Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!"

My favorite part is the music. I sing those carols every Christmas. And no one has any idea what I'm talking about.

Next, what was the best thing you got for Christmas? Or alternatively, what was the best thing you gave? Because Christmas is all about giving, after all. Anything particularly clever, awesome, unique, etc. that was given or received. Tell me in the Comments section.

Finally, here is one of the best songs from my favorite Christmas movie, The Muppet Christmas Carol. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, isn't Michael Caine adorable?

So Merry Holiday, everybody! I hope it was a great one!

The Sexiest Song I Know

2010-12-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's me, but some songs are just plain sexy. Whether it be the lyrics or a smooth bass line or something in the singer's voice, some songs would make the perfect accompaniment to a tastefully-shot movie love scene. For me, the epitome of this kind of song is OK Go's "Skyscrapers" from their latest album Of The Blue Colour Of The Sky. Listen to it and tell me it doesn't get you at least a little hot and bothered.

Or maybe I'm weird. Probably more likely.

Cats need to be taken down a few pegs

2010-12-14T22:39:00.004-05:00

If you have trouble reading this (I couldn't make it bigger), here is a panel-by-panel transcription:

Panel 1:
Oh my God Kitty, are you drawing?! That's amazing! Let me see!

Panel 2:
It's a hotdog smiling next to a hotdog bun. And one of them is holding a very tiny balloon.

Panel 3:
This drawing is very poor. I doubt you will ever be successful as an artist.

Burke and Hare's School for the Morally Bankrupt

2010-12-10T11:09:00.001-05:00

Are you down on your luck? Need cash now? Tired of the grind of nightly grave-robbing? Do you own a boarding house?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, then Burke and Hare's School for the Morally Bankrupt may be right for you. At BHSFMB, you will learn valuable skills to catapult you into the career of your dreams. Skills like:

- Luring friendless travellers into your boarding house
- Plying visitors with an excess of alcohol
- Smothering your victims
- Hiding bodies from your other boarders
- Selling corpes to a doctor at Edinburgh University for anatomical research
- Agreeing to testify against your partner in crime
- Being publicly dissected after your execution

With a degree from BHSFMB, you can have the life you've always wanted. Call today! Or visit us on the web at http://www.edinburghserialkillers.edu/.

I suppose some of this bears explanation. Because I am a big nerd, I am signed up for Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day email. Yesterday the word was "burke," a verb meaning "to suppress quietly or indirectly." I could have left it at that, but it was such a non-word-sounding word that I decided to read the etymology of this little beauty, which is provided at the end of the email. I learned that the word "burke" originally meant "to smother" and came from the last name of William Burke, who, with accomplice William Hare, killed 16 or 17 people burgh in the early 1800s. You can read the full story by following the link above, but basically, a man died in Hare's boarding house and instead of buring the body, Hare and his buddy Burke got the great idea to sell the body to a doctor at Edinburgh University for educational dissecting. It worked so well that they decided to do it again. But people don't just drop dead every day, so these enterprising little scamps decided to make their own luck and started killing people. In the name of science! In the end, as always seems to happen, they got sloppy and killed someone that other people were actually interested in looking for. They were caught, and Hare, good friend that he was, agreed to testify against Burke, which led to Burke's execution by hanging. Then, in a beautiful example of poetic justice, Burke's body was publicly dissected at Edinburgh University. His skeleton, death mask, and stuff made out of his skin are on display in the museum there. Charming.

So thank you, Mirriam-Webster, for sending me a word of the day with such a disturbing origin.

(On the Way to) Work Anecdote of the Day

2010-12-07T09:49:00.003-05:00

This is a short one, but I feel like sharing, and I have not had many anecdotes to report of late, so I think you deserve a little something, noble reader.

I have begun walking to work. Not a huge feat as I only live 1.25 miles away, which translates into a brisk 15 to 20-minute walk, though my friends, co-workers, and family have all appeared awestruck when I informed them of my decision. You see, in Florida 40-degree mornings are not considered the ideal setting for a stroll, but I need the exercise, and I know that some of my compatriots in the frozen North are doing the same, so I will stand (err, walk) firm with them.

This morning, however, the wind was a bit brutal, and my nose was running to high heaven. (Should have been running to work, if you ask me.) I was not yet warmed up enough to enjoy my walk, and I had just passed into some dreaded shade, when I was obligated to cross the street in front of a garbage truck that was waiting to pull out into traffic. Out of W&L-bred politeness, I absently waved at the garbage man, and his reaction brightened my day. Huge smile on his face, he enthusiasticly waved back. Surprised by this show of exhuberance, I too smiled and reinvigorated a formerly lackluster greeting. That garbage man's smile put a spring in my step, and the rest of the way, I boldly met the wind that tried to push me back.

'Tis the Christmas season, indeed, my friends, and I love it. This afternoon, I think I will drink some egg nog to celebrate. After a cold walk home, of course.

Also, though I am happy today, I have been known to get pretty mad on occasion. But let me just ask you this question:

Work Anecdote of the Day

2010-11-23T21:05:00.002-05:00

Today a woman came into the office and handed me an envelope, which she said needed to go to 20C. I figured she was too lazy to walk over there herself or she just couldn't find it, and since our office is also the rental office for the whole plaza, I smiled and took the envelope, planning to deliver it to Suite 20C later.

As the morning went on, I came to a stopping point in my work and decided to pop over to that office. I found Suite 20 and then began reading the doors for room C. I found the correct door, but it didn't occur to me right away that the name looked oddly familiar. A receptionist was sitting in the lobby, but unsure which business she worked for, I awkwardly announced that I had come to bring this envelope to Joseph Brown. When she didn't offer any help other than a pointed "Ok", I asked if I should slip it under the door. She then informed me that she worked for him, at which point I smiled, said "Ok, great!" and walked toward her with my parcel. But as I handed her the envelope, it suddenly dawned on me: she was the same women I had seen in my office at 8:30 that morning.

Inside the envelope was their rent check. We are the rental office, after all. Thoroughly embarrassed, I made some awkward exclamation like "Oh that was FROM you TO us!" (with that emphasis). And since I had now proven to be a complete idiot, she wrote "Rent" on the outside of the envelope before handing it back to me.

Oh and that name on the door that looked so familiar? It was printed on the outside of the envelope. Good one, Kimber.

On an unrelated note, here is the fortune cookie my friend Joe got tonight at our local Yummy Buffet. And yes, that is the actual name of the Chinese restaurant.

In bed

Cats and F-Bombs

2010-11-17T12:40:00.001-05:00

GRE Tomorrow

2010-11-12T17:11:00.002-05:00

The GRE Subject Test is tomorrow, and I know some of my readers are in the same boat of worried anticipation as I. As I hope to one day achieve a Doctorate in English, I will be taking the Literature test tomorrow. I've been "studying" for it for the past month, though, sadly for me, I just fell into my groove this past weekend. Be that as it may, I'm feeling strangely confident. I think I've studied as much as I'm going to, and now I just have to trust my capacity for recall to bring me safely through this trial by fire.

As taxing as it's been, trying to compress centuries of literary history into a week of study, I've found this process to be oddly energizing. I've actually learned a lot I didn't know about English literature, and I'm excited by my discoveries; among them, Thomas Gray's "Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat, Drowned in a Tub of Gold Fishes," from whence is derived the famous line "Nor all that glisters, gold" and In Memorium A.H.H., in which Tennyson famously remarked "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I've also read parts of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnets From the Portuguese, which, though now somewhat hackneyed, are really beautiful meditations on the growth of love and reread Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art," which is a short but very moving villanelle on the "art of losing."

I could go on, but I wish not to bore my non-English major readers. I suppose my point is that this experience has reminded me, once again, of my calling and my sincere enjoyment of literature. I hope that you, too, experience these moments sometimes, when you realize that the work you're doing is exactly what you wish to do and that really, it's not work at all.

Happy Friday!

Your daily dose of awkward

2010-11-09T13:08:00.002-05:00

There is a good reason not to film yourself doing karaoke.

"I make it rain on the horse."

The job I did take

2010-11-08T11:17:00.001-05:00

Ok, twice now I've mentioned working for my parents without explaining what I do. I go in at 8 and work until noon, so I can use my afternoons for GRE study and grad school applications. Mostly I'm a receptionist. I answer phones, direct calls, and when applicable, take messages. It's a very glamorous life. My phone voice has gotten great. I also do things like file, send invoices, put stickers on things, and input quotes into our ordering system. None of it is terribly challenging, but I enjoy it. It's kind of peaceful, and I am learning important clerical things. Plus, every now and then amusing things happen that make good anecdotes.

Today's anecdote is about my computer.

My computer is the one in the office that doesn't specifically belong to anyone, the one that salespeople might use when they need to print things, or the one that you might give to the part-timer when she comes in for four hours in the morning. It's effectively mine now, but occasionally I still have to step aside and let someone else use it "real quick." And occasionally, my computer becomes possessed! One minute I'll be listening to Pandora, preparing to start a Word document, and the next, my cursor is moving on its own. My Pandora is paused! My Word doc is minimized! Yes! It is the g-g-ghooost of... Jason the CPA. About once a week he reconciles our books, and he hijacks my computer to do it, using Remote Control. I think he called one time to ask permission, but every time since he's just snatched control away from me. No warning, not even a "by your leave." He is a notorious hijacker who must be stopped! He could at least leave the Pandora running. He can turn off his speakers if it bothers him. It's just a bit creepy for me to sit in silence, watching programs open. I feel like a voyeur, peering into Jason's mind as he clicks the "Reconcile" button, then pauses to read the message box, then hovers over "Yes" before deciding to click "No." I feel like I could learn a lot about Jason by observing how he reconciles our books, and that just feels creepy. Oh, and then today, about five minutes after he logs out of my computer, he calls for Lisa our office manager, and of course, I answer. I wanted so much to say "Oh hi, Jason. Quit stealing my computer, you artless cut-purse!" Who cares if he gives it back? As far as I am concerned he is no better than a petty purse-snatcher, and he should be ashamed of himself. If he wants to borrow my computer, he could just ask.

The Art of Saying No (and Not Freaking Out About It)

2010-11-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

So I promised in my About Me section, dear reader, that this year I would work on going outside my comfort zone and then reporting on it. Today I declined a job, and I thought it was going to make me throw up. Allow me to explain...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine mentioned a holiday job opportunity at the clothing store where he has worked for the past four years or so. To be perfectly honest, the job itself didn't excite me, not least of all because this friend has been complaining to me about his job for almost the entire length of his employ there. What's more, the job involved selling, and I am too much of an introvert to be comfortable with that. Okay, I know what you might be thinking. You're either thinking, "You?! An introvert?", to which I would respond, yes, I just hide it well. Or you're thinking, "But you just said that you would try to go outside your comfort zone. What gives?" To this later query of yours, dear reader, I must admit you have a point. But I will say that turning down this job might have caused me more discomfort in two days than two months' worth of selling would have.

I have never been one to enjoy turning people down. I want people to be happy (unlike all you sadists reading my blog), so when my friend mentioned the job and told me how he sold me to his boss and talked about how much fun it would be to work there together I thought, well, at least he might not hate it so much if I'm there. You see the logical fallacy there? Two people hating a job together is unlikely to make either of them hate it very much less. Yet he was so enthusiastic, and he was practically guaranteeing me that I'd get the job, so I met with the manager and filled out an application. Then I waited a couple weeks.

This past Monday, the manager called me back, and I told him I'd like to sit down to talk about hours, duties, pay, etc. Very professional. We did, and I left the meeting with very mixed feelings. I haven't mentioned this except in passing, but I'm working mornings at my parents' promotional products company. My accepting this second job would mean that I'd be working a full 40 hours a week, which is all well and good, but let me explain how these hours would break down:

20 hours/week = Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to noon, parents' office
Other 20 hours/week = a few days Monday through Friday + Sunday, 1 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. AND/OR Saturday starting at 9 a.m. AND Black Friday, Dec. 7, 14, and 26

Basically, I could set myself up to work 14 hours in one day, or give up my weekends, and definitely give up lots of free time during the holidays when my friends and family come visiting. Plus, I realized, I am currently trying to apply to grad school and study for a GRE Subject Test, but that's a topic for another post. You can probably see how this is not an ideal situation for me.

Ok, so I met with the guy on Monday, pretty much told him I was ready to start working, and made plans to come in Thursday or Friday to fill out the paperwork. On Wednesday, I realized I really really REALLY did not want the job, nor did I have to take it. This initial realization was quite a relief. Then came the nausea.

Telling Jerry the store manager was scary enough, but even scarier, I also had to tell the friend that had told me about the job, made a pretty big deal about us working together, and really influenced Jerry to hire me. I hated to let him down, and all through lunch that day my hands shook and my stomach ached, while I tried to play it cool and find a way to bring up the subject. You can probably imagine how this lunch went: nervous laughing, furtive looking away, and an acute distaste for the spinach and bacon salad staring up at me from an over-sized diner plate. The churning in the pit of my stomach wouldn't stop. I was sure that if I didn't throw up, I would just pass out. This may sound a bit hyperbolic, but it's true; such is my fear of letting people down.

After an hour of this madness, we finally got up to go. It was the moment of truth. As we were leaving the restaurant, my friend said, in an off-hand way, "I don't want to work." There was my chance. In one of the best transitions ever, I said, "Oh yeah, speaking of not wanting to work, I REALLY don't want to work at [insert name of men's store here]." Then I waited for the deluge, certain he'd be crushed or demand an explanation.

His response: "Haha, yeah, I don't blame you." And that was that. The relief was unbelievable.

Now all I had to do was drive over to that men's store and tell Jerry the manager. One problem: he wasn't there and wouldn't be in until the next morning, which, you can probably guess, meant another 24 hours of stress for me. I just had to keep telling myself over and over that I didn't care if Jerry's feelings were hurt. I didn't even know Jerry. If I let him down, so be it.

I spent the rest of that day rehearsing what I would say. It involved thanking him for offering me the job and being so kind as to sit down and talk with me about it, but after sleeping on it, I realized that it wouldn't be a good fit. I practiced this little speech constantly, making sure to add good excuses as to why I didn't want the extra stress. Then I rehearsed all the possible ways he could react and how I would respond to his reactions. Here is a partial list of what I expected could happen:
Crying
Begging
Trying to sell me on the job (he is a top salesman of men's suits, after all)
Intimidation/Threatening
Striking me <~ in the event of this one, I planned my escape from the store and chose which of the adjacent stores I would run to for help

These all seem like viable options, right? Well, to make a long story short (too late), I went to that store. He was there, thank goodness, but with a customer, so I waited for twenty minutes, anxiety mounting. I passed the time by doodling pictures of fruit and trying not to shake too much. I started to feel dizzy and feverish before he was finished but I took a few deep breaths and steadied myself. When he finally came over to me, I asked if we could go sit down, not wanting to make a scene in the middle of the store. It's like I was breaking up with him: "Jerry, it's not you, it's me." "I think we should see other regional sales managers." "You're suffocating me."

Anyway, I sat down and did the speech I had practiced. I performed it flawlessly, and Jerry reacted immediately.

He hit me.

No, no, I'm kidding. That would have made such a good story, though. No, actually, not only was he completely fine with it, but he also offered me a job for anytime in the future that I might decide I want it. The relief I've felt since that afternoon I can't quite describe without resorting to cliche.

But now, as I reach the end of my tale, I have to wonder why I spent so much time agonizing over this. Who did it benefit? Certainly not me. Jerry and Jesse definitely did spend so much time worrying about it. In the end, what did I achieve through anxiety? The truth is, stress gains you nothing, but as easy as it is to say that, in practice, you forget. It's like your body revolts and you have no choice but to be nauseated and shaky and sweaty until you confront the thing that's caused you all this pain.

I think it boils down to a theory I've been developing for myself in the past few months. As this story has illustrated, I tend to put other people's feelings (or what I perceive their feelings to be) before my own mental health. So my new personal philosophy is kind of a take on the Eleanor Roosevelt quote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent": "You are not responsible for other people's emotions." Everyone has a right to their feelings. They have a right to react to things however they want. But that doesn't mean you should drive yourself crazy worrying about how they are going to feel. Sure, be understanding of those feelings, don't intentionally hurt people's feelings, help them feel better if you want, but don't take their emotions on yourself. You're not Jesus. You don't have to be the sacrificial lamb because you want everyone to be happy. Happiness comes from within, and nothing you do can make another person happy if they don't want to be. Similarly, and more pertinently, don't assume people are going to be mad at you for being honest, and if in the end they are, who cares? You did the best you could. You weren't trying to hurt their feelings, and when they're ready, they can build a bridge and get over it.

Today has a theme

2010-11-06T19:09:00.003-04:00

I mean, come on. Who doesn't love Ian McKellan?

2010-11-06T18:57:00.002-04:00

All Hallow's Eve

2010-11-02T20:46:00.001-04:00

I wish I could say that Halloween was a crazy, crazy night this year. I went a great party at my friends' apartment. We had spooky foods and great decorations and witch's brew, but I fell asleep on their living room floor at 1 a.m. The truth is, getting up early to work in the morning has started to take it's toll on me, and I failed to bring the wild to the party. What I did bring were cupcakes decorated to look like aliens!

Here is my collection of Halloween party pics. See if you can guess what we all are. Check the comments to see if you were right. (Note: the demon doesn't count; that is an inevitable part of playing around in Target during the Halloween season.)

The end of the long hiatus

2010-11-02T20:30:00.001-04:00

Greetings, Internet! I'm back. I'm sure you're excited. Sorry it's been so long. A lot has happened in the past month. In this post I will give you a quick overview of what I've been doing with the intention of writing longer posts later. Then I will post something funny at the end to make this post worth it. Ok, enjoy.

List of Kimber's adventures in the month of October:

Cruise in the Black Sea
Job at the family business
Future job at a men's clothing store
Co-founding of game design company
Halloween

Don't those sound like tasty morsels? I hope so. Give you something to come back for. Now the funny thing I promised:

Daytona is more than a race site. I assume.

2010-09-27T00:41:00.001-04:00

This weekend, my adventures took me to Daytona for an over-night stay at the home of one my rocket scientist friends. I know that sounds impressive, but they are literally everywhere in Daytona. They're like kudzu there.

Thanks to Orlando traffic, we didn't arrive until 7 in the evening. Honestly, I should have known better than to plan to drive one of the worst sections of I-4 between 4 and 6 on a Friday evening. In the end, my compatriots and I stayed in, ate pizza, drank beer, and played games, one of which involved shaking our heads really fast and taking pictures. Like so:

Not one of my more attractive moments, I'll admit, but this picture provided many laughs. We also played Charades, which is a low-cost form of fun and one that should really be employed more often. Charades is great! Are great? Eh.

In the morning we ate Denny's, where I was introduced to a monstrosity. I only had one bite, but I'm pretty sure I lost at least a year of my life. After consuming far more calories than are reasonable, I returned home, thereby completely eschewing anything that could be considered Daytona-specific fun. Aww, well, thems the breaks!

In unrelated news, I was reviewing some of my YouTube subscriptions last night, and I remembered this gem from a friend of mine, Michael McGuire. The audio tracking is a bit off, but that's him, folks. I've heard it with mine own ears. How this failed to get him a part on Glee I will never understand.

In lieu of a creative post, I am copying and pasting an article from Washington Post

2010-09-24T20:41:00.002-04:00

If you want to quibble, the following should probably be on my "Funny Things" page, but I found this so amusing when I read it this morning that I decided to post it here. It comes from the Washington Post, as I said, and was such a well-written criticism of Facebook that I also posted the link on Facebook. Enjoy!

Gene Weingarten: I hate Facebook sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. . .

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, Sep 26, 2010
Critics contend I am unfair to Facebook merely because I have described it as an ocean of banalities shared among persons with lives so empty they echo. I defend my thesis but admit my evidence has been unscientific -- entirely anecdotal -- based on my occasional dips into this tepid, lifeless lagoon of dishwater-dull discourse.

But that has changed. I find that it is now possible to mathematically quantify the tedium, thanks to a new Web site. Openbook, at youropenbook.org, is a search engine for Facebook "status alerts" -- the prime way Facebookers communicate with their friends. With Openbook, it is now possible to search for a word or phrase and find out not only how often it has been used in status alerts, but also when and by whom.

The creators of this site intend it as a cautionary implement, to warn people that the social medium is not adequately protecting their privacy. But in the hands of an objective researcher such as myself, Openbook can be a valuable hermeneutic tool. Through it, one can analyze Facebook anthropologically.

I have done so and am here to make my report.

· When people find it necessary to inform their friends about how unbearably arid and stultifying their lives are -- which they do at a rate of roughly 2,000 status updates an hour -- the word they choose most often is "boring." They tend to spell it with extra o's or r's, for emphasis. If you check for "boooring" and then keep adding one o, you find at least one hit, until you get to 31 consecutive o's. When you try "borrrring" and keep adding r's, you get to 47. Just for the record, the person who, by this metric, suffers the most crippling ennui on the planet, boring with 51 r's, is Heather S. of Waterloo, Ontario.

· Over the course of 16 days, 130 people alerted their friends to the fact that they "have a pimple." The location of the blemish is usually specified, as is the size. The most frequent location is the forehead, followed closely by the earlobe and then the buttock, most often the left one. The most colorful size comparison was to a tomato, but the largest was "Jupiter." M. Mandel of New York named her pimple Steve. (She also is a fan of Justin Bieber AND the Jonas Brothers, and, under favorite books, notes: "I don't like readingg.")

· Literally thousands of people send out communiques describing their excretory imperatives. Frequently, these involve the phrase "have to go to the bathroom." It would be incorrect and unfair to conclude that all of the people using this phrase are vulgarians and/or boors. The rigorous researcher discovers, for example, John Paul Weisinger of Lufkin, Tex., wasn't discussing his own biology at all. He was merely sharing with his friends a joke he finds funny: "A pig walks into a bar and orders drink after drink after drink and never goes to the bathroom. The bartender asks, 'Don't you ever have to go to the bathroom?' and the pig replies, 'Nah, I go wee wee wee all the way home.'"

· It is possible to mathematically gauge the relative strength of people's love by observing the number of o's they use in the expression "so much." For example, Katherine Baker-Hernandez of Lakewood, Colo., loves her kitty more (57 o's) than Lorne D. Stevens of Detroit loves sour Jolly Ranchers. (10 o's.) There does not appear to be an upper limit to people's love.

· Facebook users may be bored, but, paradoxically, they also are easily amused. We know this, because they are always laughing out loud. LOLs occur with such frequency they are literally impossible to count: Dozens arrive every second. A subset of those laughers are simultaneously rolling on the floor -- but still in numbers too large to tally. It is only with a third winnowing -- those both rolling and laughing their behinds off -- that the numbers become manageable: 390 per day.

· In a five-day period, 266 people referenced the chief executive of the United States as President "Oboma." Sixty-seven others called him President "Obamma." Almost all of these people were making the point that he is a stupid incompetent.

What I Bought in Athens

2010-09-21T13:39:00.001-04:00

Hatuhs gonna hate.